8 July.
16 July.
21 Aug.
26 Aug.
22 Nov.
24 Nov.
25 Dec.
31 Dec.
1 Jan.
2 Jan.
22 Jan.
23 Jan.
4 Mar.
Its hasn't been particularly long.
But when I look back, There is more pain than happiness.
And the pain still carries on.
As if it isn't enough with the stressful rehearsals for dance2 and chor, (which are only stressful because I kill myself everytime I can't do something properly, or forget steps) I still have to face the both of you in school everyday.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining but I'm not really.
The first thing to recognize is that I am really quite on the brink of not being able to handle it all.
I can't handle people telling me I'm fatter.
I can't handle not being able to stand stable with one foot on the ground.
I can't handle smiling at them when all I want to do is to run run run away.
I can't handle mindblanks and forgetting steps/notes.
I wish I could cut away my tummy, slice off half my thighs and butt, and grind my shoulders out.
Don't worry, I'm not completely serious.
I don't have half the determination or pain tolerance to do any of that.
Pain is only temporary.
I will survive.
Even if I don't.
I tell myself I'm making too huge fusses out of too many small things, but trust me, I don't think its because I have to.
I mean, I would love to f everything and just do what I like, like maybe at some point I used to do.
But now it just feels like its all piling on.
Baby steps, baby steps.
I know I can just pull through, facing each day as it arrives...
Just maybe, not with a smile...
Cos for now, its like I lost it.
Stole my heart and my smile.
Haha... oh if only killing someone would make a difference.
Only time will tell I guess... :)
Only time...
05 March 2012
02 March 2012
Reasons why I might be in such a sad mood today....
1. 裴老師 said I grew fatter until my meat was squeezing out of my leotard
like seriously woman, you're to blame for it.
no la I am really.
2. I was having a tummy ache.
3. I was tired. My muscles are tired. I don't know how many times I complain about this but its really bad enough to complain about everyday.
4. I don't have my own space yet. Not that I'm being princessey again but sometimes I just really need time alone.
5. S is screwing with my head again. With my heart, mostly.
Jerk.
Okay he's not a jerk la I just don't know why he's doing what he's doing.
Fuck I thought I was over this already!
6. PMS
7. Convincing myself that I am good enough to dance every humongous shit I am dancing.
Friends have been particularly helpful in encouraging me. :) Really thankful......
8. Telling myself not to black face all the time and failing. Its really tiring, to face everyone with a smile and explanations for my behaviour when really, all I want to do is to be quiet and sleep for a week.
9. Not sleeping well recently. The last time I slept really well was Monday night after taking my meds which made me drowsy.
10. Okay this is gonna sound really princessy but I miss having someone to spoil me. Or you know, be patient with me, at the very least.
They may all be excuses, but everything adding up is really making me lose heart.
Losing the heart for dance, losing the heart for life.
Even though there aren't any teachers or people that particularly hate me (with perhaps the exception of K, not that I blame her), maybe its just that I haven't had a full day to myself in too long.
Maybe its because I keep disappointing myself, regarding S, regarding dance.
I don't wish I could harden my heart and speak mean words, but I do wish. -_-
I don't want to hurt anyone because they hurt me.
I don't think that is right.
Why can't you just be my friend huh.
Tell me important stuff like that but don't ask for tenderness from me.
Don't call me every night.
Don't reassure me.
DON'T REASSURE ME.
Don't give me hope anymore.
You make my heart betray my mind, and that is the worst thing you can do man.
Its like cheating on me with my best friend. -_- Hahahaha....
Okay its not funny Elizabeth.
Eh! Lemme see if I can type Korean...
Okay I can't.
Dance is... tiring.
I know I'm improving, but this period of time I don't know why I get tired so easily and I sweat so much!
And I still can't stand still to save my life. Seriously.
I think I really... am quite useless.
Aiyah. I just wanna go watch a movie or something.
Go for massage.
Go home.
Get my Lamma house back.
Get a grip on myself.
Can't always expect people to piece you back together Bird!
You're not humpty dumpty! (even if you kinda look like him)
And you're always going on about how self-centered people are, don't be like that yourself!
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
Really.
Trust me. You know I don't lie.
Really. Its nothing.
Its just cos you slept late last night.
Don't pick up the phone later.
Just sleep. :)
Really one, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is just blown out of proportion.
GOGOELIBIRD.
I love you!!!! :)
(this is too sad im jus gonna... go.)
1. 裴老師 said I grew fatter until my meat was squeezing out of my leotard
like seriously woman, you're to blame for it.
no la I am really.
2. I was having a tummy ache.
3. I was tired. My muscles are tired. I don't know how many times I complain about this but its really bad enough to complain about everyday.
4. I don't have my own space yet. Not that I'm being princessey again but sometimes I just really need time alone.
5. S is screwing with my head again. With my heart, mostly.
Jerk.
Okay he's not a jerk la I just don't know why he's doing what he's doing.
Fuck I thought I was over this already!
6. PMS
7. Convincing myself that I am good enough to dance every humongous shit I am dancing.
Friends have been particularly helpful in encouraging me. :) Really thankful......
8. Telling myself not to black face all the time and failing. Its really tiring, to face everyone with a smile and explanations for my behaviour when really, all I want to do is to be quiet and sleep for a week.
9. Not sleeping well recently. The last time I slept really well was Monday night after taking my meds which made me drowsy.
10. Okay this is gonna sound really princessy but I miss having someone to spoil me. Or you know, be patient with me, at the very least.
They may all be excuses, but everything adding up is really making me lose heart.
Losing the heart for dance, losing the heart for life.
Even though there aren't any teachers or people that particularly hate me (with perhaps the exception of K, not that I blame her), maybe its just that I haven't had a full day to myself in too long.
Maybe its because I keep disappointing myself, regarding S, regarding dance.
I don't wish I could harden my heart and speak mean words, but I do wish. -_-
I don't want to hurt anyone because they hurt me.
I don't think that is right.
Why can't you just be my friend huh.
Tell me important stuff like that but don't ask for tenderness from me.
Don't call me every night.
Don't reassure me.
DON'T REASSURE ME.
Don't give me hope anymore.
You make my heart betray my mind, and that is the worst thing you can do man.
Its like cheating on me with my best friend. -_- Hahahaha....
Okay its not funny Elizabeth.
Eh! Lemme see if I can type Korean...
Okay I can't.
Dance is... tiring.
I know I'm improving, but this period of time I don't know why I get tired so easily and I sweat so much!
And I still can't stand still to save my life. Seriously.
I think I really... am quite useless.
Aiyah. I just wanna go watch a movie or something.
Go for massage.
Go home.
Get my Lamma house back.
Get a grip on myself.
Can't always expect people to piece you back together Bird!
You're not humpty dumpty! (even if you kinda look like him)
And you're always going on about how self-centered people are, don't be like that yourself!
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
Really.
Trust me. You know I don't lie.
Really. Its nothing.
Its just cos you slept late last night.
Don't pick up the phone later.
Just sleep. :)
Really one, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is just blown out of proportion.
GOGOELIBIRD.
I love you!!!! :)
(this is too sad im jus gonna... go.)
29 February 2012
一件事情簡不簡單 是看你怎麼看而已
你覺得容易放下 容易拿起 喜歡很瀟灑地做人
什麼事情都可以很簡單
不要用‘複雜’as an excuse
複雜的是你們
我只是被你們拉來推去的玩具
很討厭 就像Maggie說的
「明明心裡已經住了一個人卻不承認，居然懦弱到利用我對你的愛，來證明你的愛！」
很冤枉 好像我不放手也不行 放手也是我賤
你還想我怎麼做？退學？消失在你面前？
可能我情緒化了點，可是知道你可能討厭我，
我覺得很.....
無奈。
其實我跟他
就像是一場夢
一種Summer days的關係
也好啦
起碼有開心過
就算你說過幾次
我不是代替品 我不是玩具
可是我怎麼能相信一個
那麼容易放下我的人
反正一切也結束了
什麼也沒有了
沒有了愛
多了些恨
反正不是我恨
我就開開心心的做自己吧
坦白說
我還愛
我還想念
可是我也知道
只有我愛
只有我想念
所以呢
算了吧
我還有很多
我還有朋友
我還有家人
最重要的是
我還有自己
難過是必定的
可是我玩夠了
我要的不是刺激的地下情
我只要一個一心一意愛我的人
一個相信跟我在一起可以很簡單很幸福的人
Have been sick these few days...
Not full blown sick but went to see the doctor to get MC cos I didn't feel like taking technique class on Monday. :p
Then everytime after I drank the cough syrup I get damn sleepy, then damn high, and my heartbeat starts to race and my hands start to shake hahahhaa its quite dramatic.
Can you imagine its the first time in my life I take 西醫medicinal syrups.....
I am.... gradually becoming okay I guess.
The pace is picking up, school is getting busier... lots of things to take my mind off nonsense.
Oh and I daydream ALOT after I take my meds too hahaha... so funny.
Just that sometimes R will dash off on her own into the distance, something that I view with with partial pride and reluctance.
Sometimes K will face me with an awkward smile, even though I am already trying really hard to avoid her. Avoid them.
Sometimes S looks for me and sometimes he doesn't. I'm learning to deal with that.
Sometimes H is really irritating, but I know he's a friend.
I miss home.
I think I'm transiting. I don't feel particularly anything now.
Yet its not numb. I think its still forming. -_-
Let's just get through each day first la.
加油Elibird!!!!!!!!!!
你覺得容易放下 容易拿起 喜歡很瀟灑地做人
什麼事情都可以很簡單
不要用‘複雜’as an excuse
複雜的是你們
我只是被你們拉來推去的玩具
很討厭 就像Maggie說的
「明明心裡已經住了一個人卻不承認，居然懦弱到利用我對你的愛，來證明你的愛！」
很冤枉 好像我不放手也不行 放手也是我賤
你還想我怎麼做？退學？消失在你面前？
可能我情緒化了點，可是知道你可能討厭我，
我覺得很.....
無奈。
其實我跟他
就像是一場夢
一種Summer days的關係
也好啦
起碼有開心過
就算你說過幾次
我不是代替品 我不是玩具
可是我怎麼能相信一個
那麼容易放下我的人
反正一切也結束了
什麼也沒有了
沒有了愛
多了些恨
反正不是我恨
我就開開心心的做自己吧
坦白說
我還愛
我還想念
可是我也知道
只有我愛
只有我想念
所以呢
算了吧
我還有很多
我還有朋友
我還有家人
最重要的是
我還有自己
難過是必定的
可是我玩夠了
我要的不是刺激的地下情
我只要一個一心一意愛我的人
一個相信跟我在一起可以很簡單很幸福的人
Have been sick these few days...
Not full blown sick but went to see the doctor to get MC cos I didn't feel like taking technique class on Monday. :p
Then everytime after I drank the cough syrup I get damn sleepy, then damn high, and my heartbeat starts to race and my hands start to shake hahahhaa its quite dramatic.
Can you imagine its the first time in my life I take 西醫medicinal syrups.....
I am.... gradually becoming okay I guess.
The pace is picking up, school is getting busier... lots of things to take my mind off nonsense.
Oh and I daydream ALOT after I take my meds too hahaha... so funny.
Just that sometimes R will dash off on her own into the distance, something that I view with with partial pride and reluctance.
Sometimes K will face me with an awkward smile, even though I am already trying really hard to avoid her. Avoid them.
Sometimes S looks for me and sometimes he doesn't. I'm learning to deal with that.
Sometimes H is really irritating, but I know he's a friend.
I miss home.
I think I'm transiting. I don't feel particularly anything now.
Yet its not numb. I think its still forming. -_-
Let's just get through each day first la.
加油Elibird!!!!!!!!!!
25 February 2012
Thank God it's Friday. Really.
I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...
This week wasn't particularly eventful, but my muscles were like screaming from all the prolonged abuse, I haven't had a good night's sleep since I can't remember when, and having to constantly remind myself to be positive is just tedious sometimes.
Surrounded by a million negative people whom I don't want to be like, yet having to be alert enough to play along without getting involved... hearing things I would rather not hear from other people's mouths because apparently I don't need to know.
Well maybe I don't. But I do now. And hearing it from other people's mouths is just... difficult.
And well even though its been dragging on for so long and everything has been settled for so long and I have made my decision long ago... but its still difficult. Difficult to get used to the idea that someone who understands me and try to understand me, isn't going to do so anymore.
Difficult to get used to the idea that there isn't anyone who isn't going to judge me anymore.
You know, I want to be that person for every friend I love.
The one you don't need to worry about judging you cos she will try her best to understand you. And if you have a thought that she doesn't agree with she will gently suggest and alternative with reason, and you will feel like 'great, I have a second opinion' or 'oh I didn't think of that before' rather than 'great, she thinks I'm a moron' or 'she has a problem with me'.
The one who you can talk about really unimportant and really important things to, and who will be equally interested in both. The one who will try to understand why you decided to do the things you did, and ask if she doesn't, instead of assuming and thereby judging you.
The one who you can sit silently with and feel totally at ease.
I want to be that someone for people, because I wish I had that someone too.
Its difficult. No one is flawless.
And I guess my expectations are kind of high. :p
But I will work towards that.
There are some things I need to say.
I am really disappointed.
In them.
I don't understand why they did and are doing what they did and are doing. (hahaha)
I don't get why people need to complicate things to make them seem significant.
But yet, I know I have no say here.
I really miss you, you were really my best friend. But why do you not trust me?
Was I really just another girl to you?
I feel like, I could have been, I wanted to be much more to you. Not just in significance, but also in faith.
I tried my best, I have no regrets. Truly. Hahahaha...
In the end, if things are to be as such, they are to be as such.
I've accepted them, but me being me, I would want to understand the reason behind why things are like this now.
I sincerely hope the both of you will be happy, but at the same time, I sincerely think you both won't end up happy.
I won't pretend to fully understand the both of you, but if you guys are of the same kind... I don't know.
Just don't hurt anyone anymore.
Don't play games.
Don't play with each other's feelings.
What for?
In general, over here, the people are so busy every minute of every day. They go around doing so much, but they never know the purpose of their suffering.
Why do you suffer?
I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...
This week wasn't particularly eventful, but my muscles were like screaming from all the prolonged abuse, I haven't had a good night's sleep since I can't remember when, and having to constantly remind myself to be positive is just tedious sometimes.
Surrounded by a million negative people whom I don't want to be like, yet having to be alert enough to play along without getting involved... hearing things I would rather not hear from other people's mouths because apparently I don't need to know.
Well maybe I don't. But I do now. And hearing it from other people's mouths is just... difficult.
And well even though its been dragging on for so long and everything has been settled for so long and I have made my decision long ago... but its still difficult. Difficult to get used to the idea that someone who understands me and try to understand me, isn't going to do so anymore.
Difficult to get used to the idea that there isn't anyone who isn't going to judge me anymore.
You know, I want to be that person for every friend I love.
The one you don't need to worry about judging you cos she will try her best to understand you. And if you have a thought that she doesn't agree with she will gently suggest and alternative with reason, and you will feel like 'great, I have a second opinion' or 'oh I didn't think of that before' rather than 'great, she thinks I'm a moron' or 'she has a problem with me'.
The one who you can talk about really unimportant and really important things to, and who will be equally interested in both. The one who will try to understand why you decided to do the things you did, and ask if she doesn't, instead of assuming and thereby judging you.
The one who you can sit silently with and feel totally at ease.
I want to be that someone for people, because I wish I had that someone too.
Its difficult. No one is flawless.
And I guess my expectations are kind of high. :p
But I will work towards that.
There are some things I need to say.
I am really disappointed.
In them.
I don't understand why they did and are doing what they did and are doing. (hahaha)
I don't get why people need to complicate things to make them seem significant.
But yet, I know I have no say here.
I really miss you, you were really my best friend. But why do you not trust me?
Was I really just another girl to you?
I feel like, I could have been, I wanted to be much more to you. Not just in significance, but also in faith.
I tried my best, I have no regrets. Truly. Hahahaha...
In the end, if things are to be as such, they are to be as such.
I've accepted them, but me being me, I would want to understand the reason behind why things are like this now.
I sincerely hope the both of you will be happy, but at the same time, I sincerely think you both won't end up happy.
I won't pretend to fully understand the both of you, but if you guys are of the same kind... I don't know.
Just don't hurt anyone anymore.
Don't play games.
Don't play with each other's feelings.
What for?
In general, over here, the people are so busy every minute of every day. They go around doing so much, but they never know the purpose of their suffering.
Why do you suffer?
22 February 2012
Feeling especially 灰 today.
Maybe its cos my muscles feel so tight and tired, with all their elasticity gone.
(And its only wednesday)
Dayum. Today a senior told me I grew fatter. Like alot. Like my butt is much bigger.
Fcuk la seriously, I hate getting bigger. Even if it means better dancing. I guess I'm just screwed up that way.
But I don't ever wanna stop eatingggggg~ :p
I'm going through the 'I think I might not love dancing' phase again.
Like how I'm so sure I won't end up performing.
Like how I really wonder why I put myself through so much criticism and pressure for something that I can't say makes me happy everyday.
This is so frustrating.
I hate my feet. I hate my alignment.
I hate how I have to constantly keep my self-esteem level between too low and too high.
Sometimes I really wonder. If I were to live my life the way I really wanted to live.... would I just end up lost again?
I don't want to be insincere. I don't want to 'hold back' because people will start taking you for granted if you give too much. I don't want to be 有個性的人.
I just wanna be myself.
And if the characteristics I have aren't suitable for a professional dancer,
why am I pushing myself to change for dance?
Cos I will earn a lot of money? No.
Cos I will get very skinny? No.
Cos I will be very happy all the time? Obviously not.
苦中作樂. The enjoyment comes from being serious and giving it your all.
When the thing you love doesn't love you back, how long can you continue to suffer for it?
Not very long, for me.
Its just the negative me talking.
I don't know why I chose something that put me onstage when I really enjoy being at the side or down at the audience seat more.
I don't know why I push myself to improve when I know that I am hurting myself.
I don't know why I chose to continue with the degree even when I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable.
There is no excuse, really.
But the truth is, besides dance I don't know what I can do.
Air-stewardess? Go study something else all over again? Open a cafe?
We all have our dreams.
We all need to earn money.
There is not much point in me talking about this, just as I always lack a main point when I'm talking.
I don't know what I'm good for, what I can do that can make people happy and that can make me happy at the same time too.
Is that being too greedy? Wanting everyone, including me, to be happy?
Maybe not too greedy, just too impossible.
What do you want your purpose in life to be?
To make a difference in the lives of as many people as you can?
To love and be loved?
What is your purpose?
What's stopping you from disappearing from this Earth?
I would like to disappear for awhile.
I would like to say I want to start afresh, but there really isn't such a thing, right?
Maybe until the day I get to sleep a full 10 hours, I will be able to get rid of these negative feelings.
Or the day I reach 47kg.
Or the day I find someone whom I love and loves me back all the same.
Or the day God tells me that He loves me. Personally.
Or the day that I can touch Singapore soil again.
I dunno. Haha.
Maybe its cos my muscles feel so tight and tired, with all their elasticity gone.
(And its only wednesday)
Dayum. Today a senior told me I grew fatter. Like alot. Like my butt is much bigger.
Fcuk la seriously, I hate getting bigger. Even if it means better dancing. I guess I'm just screwed up that way.
But I don't ever wanna stop eatingggggg~ :p
I'm going through the 'I think I might not love dancing' phase again.
Like how I'm so sure I won't end up performing.
Like how I really wonder why I put myself through so much criticism and pressure for something that I can't say makes me happy everyday.
This is so frustrating.
I hate my feet. I hate my alignment.
I hate how I have to constantly keep my self-esteem level between too low and too high.
Sometimes I really wonder. If I were to live my life the way I really wanted to live.... would I just end up lost again?
I don't want to be insincere. I don't want to 'hold back' because people will start taking you for granted if you give too much. I don't want to be 有個性的人.
I just wanna be myself.
And if the characteristics I have aren't suitable for a professional dancer,
why am I pushing myself to change for dance?
Cos I will earn a lot of money? No.
Cos I will get very skinny? No.
Cos I will be very happy all the time? Obviously not.
苦中作樂. The enjoyment comes from being serious and giving it your all.
When the thing you love doesn't love you back, how long can you continue to suffer for it?
Not very long, for me.
Its just the negative me talking.
I don't know why I chose something that put me onstage when I really enjoy being at the side or down at the audience seat more.
I don't know why I push myself to improve when I know that I am hurting myself.
I don't know why I chose to continue with the degree even when I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable.
There is no excuse, really.
But the truth is, besides dance I don't know what I can do.
Air-stewardess? Go study something else all over again? Open a cafe?
We all have our dreams.
We all need to earn money.
There is not much point in me talking about this, just as I always lack a main point when I'm talking.
I don't know what I'm good for, what I can do that can make people happy and that can make me happy at the same time too.
Is that being too greedy? Wanting everyone, including me, to be happy?
Maybe not too greedy, just too impossible.
What do you want your purpose in life to be?
To make a difference in the lives of as many people as you can?
To love and be loved?
What is your purpose?
What's stopping you from disappearing from this Earth?
I would like to disappear for awhile.
I would like to say I want to start afresh, but there really isn't such a thing, right?
Maybe until the day I get to sleep a full 10 hours, I will be able to get rid of these negative feelings.
Or the day I reach 47kg.
Or the day I find someone whom I love and loves me back all the same.
Or the day God tells me that He loves me. Personally.
Or the day that I can touch Singapore soil again.
I dunno. Haha.
19 February 2012
Went to a cafe in Causeway Bay with Ruimin and Zixin just now... was really comfortable being surrounded by books and songs that somehow are so familiar yet fairly recent.
Even if it was super cheena themed and not very cheap, and there are no windows (!) but I think I could really spend an entire lazy afternoon there. :) Love finding such precious spots... thanks for introducing the place to us Zixin! :)
I'm quite amazed and relieved that I've reached this point. Decided, settled, determined. This is the me I'm familiar with I guess. Kind of sad in a way. Its the rootless feeling all over again. I never knew how grounded he made me feel. But its okay... I like flying anyway. :)
Weekends are busy now, but I'm glad next week is sort of a half-break, other than the monster technique classes that I'm a bit scared of, its a bit off a load of my mind. I just want to get myself back on track, and... okay scrap that I'm already back on track hahaha....
Whaaaat.
You know that feeling of wanting to fill your days with something? Just SOMEthing, anything, cos it feels like you're... missing something. I know its just a delusion. I'm fine.
Oh wait, I'm not fine about one thing.
Okay, I understand why, and I understand that things may seem that way but they aren't what they seem to be. I don't even understand why I need to do something or do less about it so that it won't seem that way. Okay I'm talking in riddles.
Anyway I just know what I want and don't want. I don't want people to get hurt. I don't want to leave people when I know they need someone and no one else is willing to be there for them. I don't want to be a gossip topic but okay that's like super impossible.
And what I want... well that doesn't really matter.
Usually I give answers like I want to eat all I want and never get fat etc. and then get punched by people cos they tell me I'M NOT FAT and I'm all like, I know but I am and then they wanna punch me even more.
I incur violent tendencies in people. I know I'm bordering on obsession but yea.
On another random note I really don't get why *ahem is hot. I mean, she's pretty, and cool, and busyyyy, but hot isn't an adjective I would use to describe her. Hot is more like DavidBeckham. :D Hahahaha happened to see him in a magazine today, shirtless and cuddling Harper who was staring into the lens with her mother's eyes omg. I swear the charm level was off the charts. Tattoos and babies... who knew? :p
Okay that sounds... I'm not encouraging anything here.
In other news it was cold today and I have a new second hand cupboard yay! Thank youuuu!
Work => rehearsal1 => rehearsal2.
ugh.
愛沒有緣故 心卻太反覆
佔有一個人不等於留得住 不如就祝福
愛無關勝負 只要你對他付出
看著他微笑就值得我滿足 我何不托福
一段愛 只能夠是雙數
刪除我 不在乎孤獨
你和他 如果更讓人羨慕
答應我絕對要幸福
請比我愛他 帶他離開吧
給他無憂的天空飛翔
我總會到達 另一個天涯
不讓淚流下 切斷了牽掛
讓他快樂 就是最好的報答
Even if it was super cheena themed and not very cheap, and there are no windows (!) but I think I could really spend an entire lazy afternoon there. :) Love finding such precious spots... thanks for introducing the place to us Zixin! :)
I'm quite amazed and relieved that I've reached this point. Decided, settled, determined. This is the me I'm familiar with I guess. Kind of sad in a way. Its the rootless feeling all over again. I never knew how grounded he made me feel. But its okay... I like flying anyway. :)
Weekends are busy now, but I'm glad next week is sort of a half-break, other than the monster technique classes that I'm a bit scared of, its a bit off a load of my mind. I just want to get myself back on track, and... okay scrap that I'm already back on track hahaha....
Whaaaat.
You know that feeling of wanting to fill your days with something? Just SOMEthing, anything, cos it feels like you're... missing something. I know its just a delusion. I'm fine.
Oh wait, I'm not fine about one thing.
Okay, I understand why, and I understand that things may seem that way but they aren't what they seem to be. I don't even understand why I need to do something or do less about it so that it won't seem that way. Okay I'm talking in riddles.
Anyway I just know what I want and don't want. I don't want people to get hurt. I don't want to leave people when I know they need someone and no one else is willing to be there for them. I don't want to be a gossip topic but okay that's like super impossible.
And what I want... well that doesn't really matter.
Usually I give answers like I want to eat all I want and never get fat etc. and then get punched by people cos they tell me I'M NOT FAT and I'm all like, I know but I am and then they wanna punch me even more.
I incur violent tendencies in people. I know I'm bordering on obsession but yea.
On another random note I really don't get why *ahem is hot. I mean, she's pretty, and cool, and busyyyy, but hot isn't an adjective I would use to describe her. Hot is more like DavidBeckham. :D Hahahaha happened to see him in a magazine today, shirtless and cuddling Harper who was staring into the lens with her mother's eyes omg. I swear the charm level was off the charts. Tattoos and babies... who knew? :p
Okay that sounds... I'm not encouraging anything here.
In other news it was cold today and I have a new second hand cupboard yay! Thank youuuu!
Work => rehearsal1 => rehearsal2.
ugh.
愛沒有緣故 心卻太反覆
佔有一個人不等於留得住 不如就祝福
愛無關勝負 只要你對他付出
看著他微笑就值得我滿足 我何不托福
一段愛 只能夠是雙數
刪除我 不在乎孤獨
你和他 如果更讓人羨慕
答應我絕對要幸福
請比我愛他 帶他離開吧
給他無憂的天空飛翔
我總會到達 另一個天涯
不讓淚流下 切斷了牽掛
讓他快樂 就是最好的報答
15 February 2012
累了
夠了
想不到 你問我 是誰先放手的
是我 沒錯
難道如果我只是叫你跟她分開 不讓你離開我
我才會是做對了嗎？
每當別人問起我們的事 你總是不爽
不想跟任何人交代
其實你真的不需要
你只需要跟我交代
我只需要聽你說一句 我早已不愛你了
因為我所認識的愛 不是這樣的
我不認為
你想愛一個人 就要先傷害她
什麼廢話
《婚前試愛》
垃圾電影
我不行了
每次看到你跟她我就想跑得遠遠的
真的好討厭
開始好討厭
討厭她
討厭你
不想討厭
所以跑
我不討厭她
但我超討厭她初頭返來找你
甚至多過那些偶爾需要你肉體的女人
就像我永遠也不會只屬於你一個
因為有那麼多人愛我
你不是也一樣嗎?
你在你的灰暗世界裡住得很舒服
不管我做什麼說什麼都不會出來
我不想變成你那樣
傷害愛你的人
更不想變成另一個她
因為後悔
所以拼命的挽回
不顧任何人感受
不顧我的感受
其實我只不過也是自私人一個
每天還會希望你來跟我說說話
對我微笑
晚上還會打來
雖然沒什麼意思
你一直說你會always love me
但我覺得你只會keep on hurting me
今天看到你們在一起
我不行
下次
我會跑得更遠
一定
不想再痛了
真的累了
你們不明白沒關係
我也不是很明白
只是我已經不行了
我也不知道該怎麼幫自己
我拼了一切
卻都比不上她的任何東西
放棄
我真的放棄了
不是你對我不夠重要
而是 如果我再把自己栽下去
那就不是我了
只是一個為你而活的可憐東西
我不要做可憐東西
所以單方面的付出
我做夠了
真的不行了
對不起
也許我會後悔放棄
但陳美錡
記得你今天的心痛
記得那種麻痺的感覺
記得那種已經習慣了的感覺
你不是這個人
你一定可以好好的
一定
一定
夠了
想不到 你問我 是誰先放手的
是我 沒錯
難道如果我只是叫你跟她分開 不讓你離開我
我才會是做對了嗎？
每當別人問起我們的事 你總是不爽
不想跟任何人交代
其實你真的不需要
你只需要跟我交代
我只需要聽你說一句 我早已不愛你了
因為我所認識的愛 不是這樣的
我不認為
你想愛一個人 就要先傷害她
什麼廢話
《婚前試愛》
垃圾電影
我不行了
每次看到你跟她我就想跑得遠遠的
真的好討厭
開始好討厭
討厭她
討厭你
不想討厭
所以跑
我不討厭她
但我超討厭她初頭返來找你
甚至多過那些偶爾需要你肉體的女人
就像我永遠也不會只屬於你一個
因為有那麼多人愛我
你不是也一樣嗎?
你在你的灰暗世界裡住得很舒服
不管我做什麼說什麼都不會出來
我不想變成你那樣
傷害愛你的人
更不想變成另一個她
因為後悔
所以拼命的挽回
不顧任何人感受
不顧我的感受
其實我只不過也是自私人一個
每天還會希望你來跟我說說話
對我微笑
晚上還會打來
雖然沒什麼意思
你一直說你會always love me
但我覺得你只會keep on hurting me
今天看到你們在一起
我不行
下次
我會跑得更遠
一定
不想再痛了
真的累了
你們不明白沒關係
我也不是很明白
只是我已經不行了
我也不知道該怎麼幫自己
我拼了一切
卻都比不上她的任何東西
放棄
我真的放棄了
不是你對我不夠重要
而是 如果我再把自己栽下去
那就不是我了
只是一個為你而活的可憐東西
我不要做可憐東西
所以單方面的付出
我做夠了
真的不行了
對不起
也許我會後悔放棄
但陳美錡
記得你今天的心痛
記得那種麻痺的感覺
記得那種已經習慣了的感覺
你不是這個人
你一定可以好好的
一定
一定
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