2012 New Year Resolutions

1. Don't be a part of anything I wouldn't be proud to be a part of. Like bullying, bitching, etc.

2. Be more proactive and go after what I want.

3. Learn how to be more independent.

4. Learn how to deal with pressure, whether from peers or from my profession.

5. Learn how to let go, without losing hope.

6. Oversleep less often.

7. Depend on God more.

8. Keep working on understanding others. And being kind.


Probably not the best time to write something like this... not when I'm in such a horrible mood...

But I think I need to actively move on... I know the normal me would.

I guess the saddest part is, just a short few days ago we were so close, and I felt so safe, but then suddenly the whole world came crashing down and it was like everything was taken away from me.

Its not so much the loss of anything substantial, probably just the loss of potential.

I know in this case, I didn't do anything wrong, and probably it was just God's will that she came back, or rather, he let her come back...

But even after all this, I don't want to give up on him. And most importantly, I really crave his attention, his love, his tenderness... its like having really intense withdrawal symptoms.

Without his voice, his touch, his scent, I feel like I've been dropped off the cliff I've hung on to for so long.

I feel lonely, unwanted, unloved... but I know that isn't true.

Now I truly understand how the heart cannot listen to the brain. Its like it totally refuses to calm down and listen and just starts to tear itself apart.

I'm still hurting pretty bad, after all, its only been 2 days. Its just, another first for me I guess...
I cried, the whole day yesterday. Like literally. Its so scary, I have never seen myself like this. It was so pathetic, and when I look back I just wish there was someone to hold me when I was falling apart.

And I knew who I wanted that someone to be.

But I remember telling myself, after this passes, I'll be stronger... and I believe it.

The truth is, I'm thinking of getting him back. I know its easier said than done, especially when I know his heart may be slowly pushing me out, and slowly filling up with her....

But I want to try. Even though I know its gonna be even more painful and even more difficult, but I feel like we were separated because of circumstances and responsibility and I don't know...

Maybe its more like I want a second chance?

I know, there's a fundamental problem when he won't make me a promise to stay faithful to me, or to her to stay faithful to her, because it just means we're both neither his most important person.

But I guess my reasoning is, I don't want to give up after one setback. Maybe setback is not the word for it, but my decision is, I want this relationship. I want this person. I can't be satisfied with being friends.

And maybe this is the heartbroken me talking, or the senseless me talking, but I don't want us to be separated unless it is because there is no love left, in either one or both of us.

Perhaps one day I'll regret thinking like this, perhaps tomorrow I will regret it, but I truly believe that he is worth it, and that we are worth it.

I just want the one I love to be happy, and I believe I can make him smile.

It sounds crazy and stupid, I know... but let me try, okay?