I thought I was able to do it already, but coming home tonight...

I realise maybe I'm still a little distance from my breaking (away) point... :p

It hurt me a little, and I still don't know how to be myself, and sometimes with that group of people I just really don't understand, or can't relate.

Its natural, but just another reminder of who I am and where I come from.

There is a side of me that doesn't want to go through this, but another part tells me to do it, to leave zero room for regrets or for turning back.

I'm quite upset that I'm not going back for CNY, even though I try not to think about it too much. Even though there are people who think I'm wasteful and stupid, I know this is a decision that I have to bear the consequences for.

I just don't want anyone and anything to be the last resort, or the fall back plan again. I know how hurtful that is and that's why whenever I talk to someone or do something, its not because I settle for it but because I actively decide to do so.

Which is why a big part of me would rather be alone this CNY, except I think this January has had enough tears, and plus the boredom would kill me.

Haha... technically I just get killed one way or the other.

可惜 我不是索女

I guess there are some truths I just have yet to accept *coughcough* hahaha...

But no, I really thought she looked so beautiful today.

And I think, I've seen enough ugliness to really appreciate the goodness in others.

Its really scary. I wish I had never seen this side of you.