faith.hope.love

2012-02-25T00:56:00.002+08:00

Thank God it's Friday. Really.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...

This week wasn't particularly eventful, but my muscles were like screaming from all the prolonged abuse, I haven't had a good night's sleep since I can't remember when, and having to constantly remind myself to be positive is just tedious sometimes.

Surrounded by a million negative people whom I don't want to be like, yet having to be alert enough to play along without getting involved... hearing things I would rather not hear from other people's mouths because apparently I don't need to know.

Well maybe I don't. But I do now. And hearing it from other people's mouths is just... difficult.

And well even though its been dragging on for so long and everything has been settled for so long and I have made my decision long ago... but its still difficult. Difficult to get used to the idea that someone who understands me and try to understand me, isn't going to do so anymore.

Difficult to get used to the idea that there isn't anyone who isn't going to judge me anymore.

You know, I want to be that person for every friend I love.

The one you don't need to worry about judging you cos she will try her best to understand you. And if you have a thought that she doesn't agree with she will gently suggest and alternative with reason, and you will feel like 'great, I have a second opinion' or 'oh I didn't think of that before' rather than 'great, she thinks I'm a moron' or 'she has a problem with me'.

The one who you can talk about really unimportant and really important things to, and who will be equally interested in both. The one who will try to understand why you decided to do the things you did, and ask if she doesn't, instead of assuming and thereby judging you.

The one who you can sit silently with and feel totally at ease.

I want to be that someone for people, because I wish I had that someone too.

Its difficult. No one is flawless.

And I guess my expectations are kind of high. :p

But I will work towards that.

There are some things I need to say.

I am really disappointed.

In them.

I don't understand why they did and are doing what they did and are doing. (hahaha)

I don't get why people need to complicate things to make them seem significant.

But yet, I know I have no say here.

I really miss you, you were really my best friend. But why do you not trust me?

Was I really just another girl to you?

I feel like, I could have been, I wanted to be much more to you. Not just in significance, but also in faith.

I tried my best, I have no regrets. Truly. Hahahaha...

In the end, if things are to be as such, they are to be as such.

I've accepted them, but me being me, I would want to understand the reason behind why things are like this now.

I sincerely hope the both of you will be happy, but at the same time, I sincerely think you both won't end up happy.

I won't pretend to fully understand the both of you, but if you guys are of the same kind... I don't know.

Just don't hurt anyone anymore.

Don't play games.

Don't play with each other's feelings.

What for?

In general, over here, the people are so busy every minute of every day. They go around doing so much, but they never know the purpose of their suffering.

Why do you suffer?

2012-02-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

Feeling especially 灰 today.

Maybe its cos my muscles feel so tight and tired, with all their elasticity gone.
(And its only wednesday)

Dayum. Today a senior told me I grew fatter. Like alot. Like my butt is much bigger.

Fcuk la seriously, I hate getting bigger. Even if it means better dancing. I guess I'm just screwed up that way.

But I don't ever wanna stop eatingggggg~ :p

I'm going through the 'I think I might not love dancing' phase again.

Like how I'm so sure I won't end up performing.
Like how I really wonder why I put myself through so much criticism and pressure for something that I can't say makes me happy everyday.

This is so frustrating.

I hate my feet. I hate my alignment.
I hate how I have to constantly keep my self-esteem level between too low and too high.

Sometimes I really wonder. If I were to live my life the way I really wanted to live.... would I just end up lost again?

I don't want to be insincere. I don't want to 'hold back' because people will start taking you for granted if you give too much. I don't want to be 有個性的人.

I just wanna be myself.

And if the characteristics I have aren't suitable for a professional dancer,
why am I pushing myself to change for dance?

Cos I will earn a lot of money? No.
Cos I will get very skinny? No.
Cos I will be very happy all the time? Obviously not.

苦中作樂. The enjoyment comes from being serious and giving it your all.

When the thing you love doesn't love you back, how long can you continue to suffer for it?
Not very long, for me.

Its just the negative me talking.

I don't know why I chose something that put me onstage when I really enjoy being at the side or down at the audience seat more.
I don't know why I push myself to improve when I know that I am hurting myself.
I don't know why I chose to continue with the degree even when I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable.

There is no excuse, really.

But the truth is, besides dance I don't know what I can do.
Air-stewardess? Go study something else all over again? Open a cafe?
We all have our dreams.
We all need to earn money.

There is not much point in me talking about this, just as I always lack a main point when I'm talking.

I don't know what I'm good for, what I can do that can make people happy and that can make me happy at the same time too.

Is that being too greedy? Wanting everyone, including me, to be happy?

Maybe not too greedy, just too impossible.

What do you want your purpose in life to be?
To make a difference in the lives of as many people as you can?
To love and be loved?
What is your purpose?

What's stopping you from disappearing from this Earth?
I would like to disappear for awhile.
I would like to say I want to start afresh, but there really isn't such a thing, right?

Maybe until the day I get to sleep a full 10 hours, I will be able to get rid of these negative feelings.
Or the day I reach 47kg.
Or the day I find someone whom I love and loves me back all the same.
Or the day God tells me that He loves me. Personally.
Or the day that I can touch Singapore soil again.

I dunno. Haha.

2012-02-19T01:12:00.003+08:00

Went to a cafe in Causeway Bay with Ruimin and Zixin just now... was really comfortable being surrounded by books and songs that somehow are so familiar yet fairly recent.
Even if it was super cheena themed and not very cheap, and there are no windows (!) but I think I could really spend an entire lazy afternoon there. :) Love finding such precious spots... thanks for introducing the place to us Zixin! :)

I'm quite amazed and relieved that I've reached this point. Decided, settled, determined. This is the me I'm familiar with I guess. Kind of sad in a way. Its the rootless feeling all over again. I never knew how grounded he made me feel. But its okay... I like flying anyway. :)

Weekends are busy now, but I'm glad next week is sort of a half-break, other than the monster technique classes that I'm a bit scared of, its a bit off a load of my mind. I just want to get myself back on track, and... okay scrap that I'm already back on track hahaha....

Whaaaat.

You know that feeling of wanting to fill your days with something? Just SOMEthing, anything, cos it feels like you're... missing something. I know its just a delusion. I'm fine.

Oh wait, I'm not fine about one thing.

Okay, I understand why, and I understand that things may seem that way but they aren't what they seem to be. I don't even understand why I need to do something or do less about it so that it won't seem that way. Okay I'm talking in riddles.

Anyway I just know what I want and don't want. I don't want people to get hurt. I don't want to leave people when I know they need someone and no one else is willing to be there for them. I don't want to be a gossip topic but okay that's like super impossible.
And what I want... well that doesn't really matter.
Usually I give answers like I want to eat all I want and never get fat etc. and then get punched by people cos they tell me I'M NOT FAT and I'm all like, I know but I am and then they wanna punch me even more.

I incur violent tendencies in people. I know I'm bordering on obsession but yea.

On another random note I really don't get why *ahem is hot. I mean, she's pretty, and cool, and busyyyy, but hot isn't an adjective I would use to describe her. Hot is more like DavidBeckham. :D Hahahaha happened to see him in a magazine today, shirtless and cuddling Harper who was staring into the lens with her mother's eyes omg. I swear the charm level was off the charts. Tattoos and babies... who knew? :p

Okay that sounds... I'm not encouraging anything here.

In other news it was cold today and I have a new second hand cupboard yay! Thank youuuu!
Work => rehearsal1 => rehearsal2.

ugh.

愛沒有緣故　心卻太反覆
佔有一個人不等於留得住　不如就祝福
愛無關勝負　只要你對他付出
看著他微笑就值得我滿足　我何不托福
一段愛　只能夠是雙數
刪除我　不在乎孤獨
你和他　如果更讓人羨慕
答應我絕對要幸福
請比我愛他　帶他離開吧
給他無憂的天空飛翔
我總會到達　另一個天涯
不讓淚流下　切斷了牽掛
讓他快樂　就是最好的報答

2012-02-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

累了
夠了

想不到你問我是誰先放手的
是我沒錯

難道如果我只是叫你跟她分開不讓你離開我
我才會是做對了嗎？

每當別人問起我們的事你總是不爽
不想跟任何人交代
其實你真的不需要

你只需要跟我交代
我只需要聽你說一句我早已不愛你了
因為我所認識的愛不是這樣的

我不認為
你想愛一個人就要先傷害她
什麼廢話

《婚前試愛》
垃圾電影

我不行了
每次看到你跟她我就想跑得遠遠的
真的好討厭

開始好討厭
討厭她
討厭你

不想討厭

所以跑

我不討厭她
但我超討厭她初頭返來找你
甚至多過那些偶爾需要你肉體的女人

就像我永遠也不會只屬於你一個
因為有那麼多人愛我
你不是也一樣嗎?

你在你的灰暗世界裡住得很舒服
不管我做什麼說什麼都不會出來

我不想變成你那樣
傷害愛你的人

更不想變成另一個她
因為後悔
所以拼命的挽回
不顧任何人感受
不顧我的感受

其實我只不過也是自私人一個
每天還會希望你來跟我說說話
對我微笑
晚上還會打來

雖然沒什麼意思

你一直說你會always love me
但我覺得你只會keep on hurting me

今天看到你們在一起
我不行
下次
我會跑得更遠

一定

不想再痛了
真的累了

你們不明白沒關係
我也不是很明白
只是我已經不行了

我也不知道該怎麼幫自己
我拼了一切
卻都比不上她的任何東西

放棄
我真的放棄了

不是你對我不夠重要
而是如果我再把自己栽下去
那就不是我了

只是一個為你而活的可憐東西
我不要做可憐東西

所以單方面的付出
我做夠了

真的不行了

對不起

也許我會後悔放棄
但陳美錡
記得你今天的心痛
記得那種麻痺的感覺
記得那種已經習慣了的感覺
你不是這個人

你一定可以好好的
一定

一定

2012-02-13T23:25:00.001+08:00

別說你難過　別再安慰我
最爛的理由　是你配不上我
我沒有你想像中脆弱　我會好好的
沒有什麼　罪不可赦
再痛的痛苦淚水換不回　一點點感動

我不怪你　不是你的錯
再深的深情容忍　也不能讓你再愛我
我不怪你　不是你的錯

再痛的痛苦淚水換不回　一點點感動
我不怪你　不是你的錯
再深的深情容忍　也不能讓你再愛我
我不怪你　不是你的錯

2012-02-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

Seen on Facebook :

要把一個人和他當下的態度這兩者分清楚，要反對的不是人，而是一

種情緒或一個行為

一个人久了，除了寂寞点外还是蛮开心的。一个人久了，会慢慢变得成熟起来。一个人久了，会比以前更爱父母。一个人久了,对所有的节日大多没什么期待。一个人久了,听到看到别人一对对的很甜蜜，心里多少还是会有些介意。一个人久了，会越来越理性，越来越现实。一个人久了，会上瘾的。转载微薄

唔識數 count 就叫琴師 free flow,
唔識 plan class 就扮下即興,
唔識 set programme 就老師 free style,
咁學生唔識跳 ge 時候又可以點?

其實告士打道一號真係一個研究教育 ge 好地方...

每天半夜嘴巴停不了完了

如果，命運能選擇

开心可以很简单 :)

Seen on Twitter:

I couldn’t stand the idea of a woman having a single pure life and a man being able to have a double life, one pure and one not.

It all flowed over me with a screaming ache of pain... remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it.

When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn't want it, you cannot take it back. It's gone forever.

I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.

How much of my brain is willfully my own? How much is not a rubber stamp of what I have read and heard and lived?

Eternity bores me, I never wanted it.

So many people shut up tight inside themselves like boxes would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.

2012-02-09T18:46:00.004+08:00

My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I would have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. And I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.
- Mr Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)

A little pig told me today that it went to a place where people came and left.
I feel like leaving.
To a happier place.

I've had enough of all the negativity.
And the complaints.

Of the accusations
And quick judgement

Of the stinging tongues
And cold hands.

There is little real warmth here.
For me.

Even the one who could warm my heart with a smile
Starts to cut me with every word.

I love you so much...
I just don't like you anymore...
- Emma (One Day)

Let's spell out the problem I have with the people around me.

It sounds really arrogant, talking about Hong Kongers in a negative tone all the time.
In fact it is not a Hong Kong phenomenon. It happens worldwide, to you, to me, to everyone we know.

Its just, there are still things that are definitely right and definitely wrong.

Killing is wrong. Killing a murderer does not make you a saint, I hope you get that.

Being right doesn't mean you are a good person.

Being a good person doesn't mean you never make mistakes.

Today in psychology we learned about personality.

What factors affect and help to develop the kind of personality we have as we mature.

Family background: such as cultural background, your parents' occupations and education level, your family's social economic status and even your birth order

Personal factors: such as your appearance, medical history and natural temperament.

Family factors: such as how you were brought up and your relationship with your parents and siblings.

School factors: such as academic achievements and relationship with teachers and peers.

These factors help to mold us from the day we are born, so that by the time we reach teenage-hood, we basically have a consistent personality.

Then, as we mature, other factors come into place:

1. Our relationships with our friends and partners
2. Our careers: Do we like what we do? Achievements in our job, relationships with our superiors and colleagues...
3. Other critical life events: Major accidents, loss of loved ones, marriage etc.
4. Stress management and problem solving

... I don't really get the last one, but anyway...

Why did I just type out what I was taught in class?

Because I feel that this is so important: someone who has a different personality from you is not WRONG. They are just DIFFERENT.

And you don't have to accept them or love them, but at the very least, seek to understand why they think and behave as such!

I think we can all agree that being selfish is not a good thing to be. Of course there are exceptions, and I don't mean you should be all like saintly and generous until you have nothing left to give, and I know that self-protection is a natural human trait...BUT I have this idea that every person in general, should try to be as good a person as they can be.

Like, work towards being a better person.

I have no idea how to tell you why I have such a belief (that people should work to become a better person), but I do. And if you agree with me, then continue reading. If you don't, why don't you share with me why because I would really like to see things from another perspective too.

And I see so many people just saying things like
"Oh she's so stubborn, why can't she just change?"
"She definitely sleeps around."
"Why can't he think of things from my point of view?"
"If you can't do it, you must not be trying hard enough."

The tone. The presumptions. The body language. The 'definitely's, 'of course's, 'must be's and 'just's are SO ANNOYINGGGGGG.

Can you please, take the first step and think about WHY they may have thought or acted like that?

Like for example, I think these people talk like that because they have been the victim of such unfair criticism, or because they are around so much of it that they learn to critique people quickly and confidently so they will belong.

Seriously...

Another thing we learned in class today:
Think of the person you dislike the most, and the qualities he/she has that results in such a negative feeling.

Most likely the same qualities can be found in yourself, just that you cannot accept it or that you dislike these qualities in yourself.

Like I really dislike ______ for being so fake, negative and sarcastic.

But I am fake sometimes too. Sometimes I don't smile from the bottom of my heart. And its really tiring let me tell you. Sometimes I smile at people I want to slap. -_-

Negativity is something I am surrounded by. It is something I really dislike. I tend to look at things from very extreme angles and sometimes by imagining the worst possible situation, I really hurt myself and others too in the process. -_-

Sarcasm. Is a really bad habit of mine. -_-

Ta-dah! Not necessarily always, but you see the point? You can rationalize your own behavior, why can't you do the same for others?

Lemme think of an example...
I hope I don't offend anyone...

For example, N is a perfectionist. N feels upset when N performs badly at work, or is scolded by N's superiors. N wants to be a friend that everyone can and will want to count on. N finds it difficult to understand why even after putting in so much effort, N does not get promoted or other kinds of affirmation.

One reason why N might have this personality trait is because N comes from a family of very successful people. N's parents both graduated from university and hold high positions in their jobs. N and N's siblings all graduated from university with Masters degrees, with N being the only one without one. N's siblings all hold managerial positions in their jobs, being promoted after less than 2 years in their companies. N is the youngest in the family, and the youngest person in N's company to start out at the position that N started out at, but having not reached the managerial position after 2 years, N starts to feel like perhaps N should look for opportunities elsewhere.

N's friends tell N to be more optimistic, that N is already very successful, but N can't help feeling this way...

Is N wrong?

I don't think so. Anyway, its not always about whether someone is right or wrong. Its just sometimes, people behave differently from you or me because they have different priorities or just different personalities. I'm not saying you have to accept it, but please don't go around gossiping to whoever will listen.

I'm not saying don't gossip, cos that's as vague and as impossible as saying 'don't be selfish', but for the goodness of humanity, and also for my sanity, please try to be less negative.

I know I'm trying too.

2012-02-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow. First day of Sem 2.

Good luck me, with my stiff body and muscles that haven't plie-ed and tendu-ed and demi-pointe-ed for 2 weeks.
Good luck me, with my technique and steps untouched in my head for two weeks.

Good luck me, with my heart stuck between missing home and moving forward. Hahaha...

I'm okay today.

Met up with Kenny and some of his friends and Water and Kathy and Skinny and Katie for lunch. It was really impromptu and I really felt kinda weird going but it was alright. :) I was really happy. The food was good, the conversation was light and pleasant, and I felt... right?

Even though he answered the question Kenny asked him as such, I didn't feel disappointed, or hopeful. Hahaha... that's good I guess. Starting to accept.

I don't really know how to work harder in this aspect. In communicating, in fitting in with certain people, in making certain people happy.

I don't suppose I can because then I'll start crossing The Line. And start bothering people.

You can tell by the alarmingly frequent posts that I'm starting to not have people to talk to hahaha so I talk to the whole world.

I guess I'm just happy to laugh. I'm glad I have people I know that I can laugh with, at the very least.

I need to laugh more.

你啊
前後矛盾
又說是朋友
又說在拍拖
你應該亂爆了

S'okay. Just keep dancing on~~~~~~

Tomorrow: Technique, shenyun, rehearsal, japanese.
Die, die, die, late. Hahahaha!

2012-02-05T02:13:00.001+08:00

Sudden influx of many backdated posts... mostly contradictory, but this is how my thoughts screw me over, time and time again.

I'm sure there are many many problems with the way I think, but I think its important to me to see what kind of things can change the way I think and how much hope I was carrying until the end.

可能我這樣擺出來會很傷人傷他傷她傷自己
可是這是我的坦白
我已經不知道我想要的是什麼了
我也失去了對自己的了解

Hopefully one day I'll look back at all these things I've written and make sense out of all of this and understand what was going on inside my head.

I just want to be happy again.
Without having to 'try' to be happy.

2012-02-05T02:06:00.004+08:00

親愛的你，

記得我那晚傳的那個簡訊嗎？
突然記得了一些很random的事情但又不肯說是什麼...

其實我記得的是
被你吻的感覺

慢慢就開始記得
被你抱的感覺
睡在你懷裡的感覺
牽著你的手的感覺
摟著你的腰的感覺
躺在你的肩的感覺
看著你在睡的樣子
每天第一次看到你的感覺
在學校走廊對著你笑

想著想著
我就很溫暖地慢慢睡去了

雖然跟你在一起的時間不長
但每一天每一秒都過得非常非常甜蜜

有時候真的想念【你】的感覺
有時候真的很有想抱你想親你的衝動
有時候真的要控制自己
哈哈

很慶幸找到一個那麼棒的知己
我們什麼都能聊
而且是可以大大方方地聊
大吵大鬧地堅持我們自己的想法
最後得到的是寶貴的新想法（或寶貴的耐心哈哈）

雖然我中文差到極點但多謝你的包容和體諒
因為你的耐心我學到了更多
你的英文真的進步到嚇死人
我想如果我用sam和dean的口音跟你聊
你應該完全沒有問題了解我

我曾經說過
你是神賜給我最大的禮物
給了我我從沒感受過的幸福

但祂也提醒了我
我是沒有【應得】的東西
越好的東西越是不耐
我也沒有【屬於我】的
祂能給予我也能隨時讓我失去你

這堂課很重要
雖然你也教得很辛苦
但確實教得很透很好
我也學了很多也變了不少
真心多謝你

說過我活得太少
謝謝你帶我走看了那麼多
以後不管我變成怎麼樣
你都要記得沒有你
就沒有今天的陳美錡

請不要有
【可能沒有我你會更快樂】的想法
沒有了傷心我也不會發現之前我是多麼多麼的快樂
沒有了難過我也不會發現之前我是多麼多麼的幸福
沒有了失去我也不會發現其實我可以為你付出更多更多

我很自卑很缺乏安全感一直覺得自己很差勁
是你
讓我變美麗讓我有了自信
因為你愛了我我也學會了愛自己

至今我還能佔有你心裡的一個小小的角落頭
我已心滿意足了
我希望你也能因為我而覺得開心
我希望我還能留在你的世界裡

我最不想看到我愛的人辛苦
我也知道區區一個我沒什麼能力沒什麼本事幫到你任何東西
但我只要你健健康康快快樂樂
舞蹈進步天天賺多一點
在學校裡和返工的地方得到肯定

請你偶爾讓我為你付出
因為就算我的小小付出只能帶給你短暫的解答
但我會因為能夠為你做點什麼開心好久好久

當我希望你能陪我吃飯看戲走走飲酒時
我不想為錢煩惱
我有能力的時候想請客請別阻止我
我沒什麼能力的時候（通常月底哈哈）
一起吃快餐啃麵包坐在海邊食風
有時比大吃大喝來得更溫馨

你在我心目中不只是男朋友那麼簡單
你對我來說
很重要
真的很重要

你輕視自己
一直叫愛你的女人去試試看其他的男人
是件非常不尊重的事
stop it okay！

男人也不是食物
想換牌子就換
我沒有那麼隨便！

雖然我可能沒有得和你長期地在一起
但我不會因為得不到你而去選其他人
我寧願自己一個也不要把任何人當成後備
我曾經有一度以為我只是後備
雖然能體諒能了解但腦子能想清楚的事
我的心卻固執地不聽一路自己傷心下去

還好我沒看錯你
你是個好人
你的想法不是完美無缺的
但你的心是

我明白你做很多事是為了你愛的人好
你也覺得有時自己很自私
另你身邊的我們兩個很難受
但其實是你的無私讓我們難受了

你知道嗎
你每次跟我說她的事情時
臉上的表情是多幸福啊
我真的是忍不住心軟
那麼快樂的你我真的希望會永遠保持
只是令你那麼快樂的不是我

所以我認了我是完完全全比不上她的
你們也很適合但最終要的是
她在你心裡在你腦海裡已經佔有很大的位置了

她說得對你們沒有分開過
我也相信你也沒有停止過愛她
但我並不覺得這是件壞事或有誰對不起誰
愛是無辜的

我不再想阻止到你能給她的快樂
和她想給你的幸福

我憑什麼

我只想你一直留在我身邊
沒想過你的快樂
對不起

我知道你還在等你的心
但或許你的心已有答案
只是連你都害怕知道
或想逃避要傷害任何人的事情

But I wanna tell you
You can count on me :)
No matter what

When you need someone to listen
Someone to hug
Someone's shoulder to lean on
Someone to wipe your tears away
Someone to bully
Someone to stroke your hair
and tell you its all gonna be okay.

I promise.
I'll be there.
Always. :)

永遠愛著你，
me.

2012-02-05T02:04:00.000+08:00

以下應該是除夕或初一夜寫的，但一直都不post上
可能因為我心裡還有一絲的希望吧
唉...

你知道要親自消滅自己的期望是一種多痛苦的感覺嗎？

你可能可以用你的方法你的邏輯
來跟自己說這是okay的

可是我一直都在等
傻傻的坐在這裡

你曾經說過
不喜歡我和她等你
（當時你是在說等你排完舞的那種等）
因為很浪費我們的時間

你知道嗎
如果我早一點放棄
我有很多時候
就不需要逼自己堅強
不需要沒人陪
不需要不停地跟自己說
一個人也可以很快樂

這方面
我想我可以說
謝謝你吧
謝謝你讓我連說聲 ‘我很孤獨’ 都不敢

不想別人認為
我放不下是因為我太懦弱
（雖然那是事實）
所以我連這樣寫出來說出來
都要想很久
都要掙扎很久

我很失望
除夕夜我是一個人
但對誰失望呢？

對自己吧

現在的我有什麼資格叫你別去跟她家人一起過？
現在的我只能等你來找我
只能開著燈開著電視
盡量不要讓自己有可憐自己的想法

新年嘛
是給親人的時間
不是我想找誰就可以去找
對你也不例外

瑞敏也說過了
我是選擇不回家
而不是真的不能回家

到某種程度
她是對的我知道

我就是給自己太大的期望
以為我還能和你有以後

可能對你來說
我跟著你去拜年
不是一件很大的事

但對我來說
是很重要的

其實很多東西都對我很重要
而且最重要的是你
所以我才可以犧牲那麼多
因為你的一個擁抱
一個笑容
一個早餐
我就心滿意足了

陳美錡你這個大白痴

其實過去的這一月
可以說是我人生中最痛苦的一個月
從聖誕開始

每一次知道你去找她
我都好怕好失望好不開心
我永遠不會忘記一月一號
那天的我不是我我完全不認識那個女人

過去的winter term
當我最需要肯定的時候
差不多每一晚我都要跟自己說
我已經找過你吃早餐了
晚餐是留給她的

靠

我到底在做什麼
為什麼我可以對你那麼不重要
為什麼我竟然可以接受

我從來不覺得你是壞人
你做的每一件事我知道你有你的理由
而且我會去體諒
但過去的這三個星期
我真的開始怕了
你是不是連自己都不知道你在傷害我們？

我真的不知道我還能給你什麼
我還能付出什麼
肉體嗎？你也不會稀罕
時間嗎？你更會覺得煩

沒有了我已經盡力了
不是嗎？

如果你還不能把心交給我
那就說明其實我在你生命中
可有可無

對不起可能如果你真的那麼不幸看到這篇東西
你會很生氣會很傷心
但如果我現在不怒的話我會很可憐自己
我不想再pathetic下去了
你明白嗎？

雖然一直都會告訴自己
用一個對待好朋友的心態去對待你
但真的不是很能做得到

你可能不會了解這種感覺吧
反正你也說過
你很少會有你想要但得不到的東西
現在連她都是你的了嘛

傳了簡訊給你你也不會回复
其實我想要的也只是‘我不是自己一個’的感覺嘛
你隨便打一些字敷衍我也好啊

可能我已經讓你累到連敷衍都不想了
真的對不起想帶給你快樂的我其實一直都在讓你不快樂

唉...

現在欠扁友也不在
瑞敏也不在
雖然很衰沒有你的時候才會找他們
（你們好可憐認識了一個重色親友的朋友... 我認的啊！）
但我還是會有真正自己一個的時候啊

除夕夜新年
我可能就自己一個過了

好可怕 T_T

可是我覺得
在我真的開始恨你們兩個之前
快點離開
我不想成為第二個他
或第二個她

2012-01-31T02:21:00.000+08:00

I'm the kind of girl who will take 3am walks in the middle of the empty street.

The kind that enjoys walking in the rain (if I'm in the mood, and most especially at night).

The kind that will walk out of a party to take a walk, to get away for awhile.

The kind that will climb out of the window to sit on the rooftop.

The kind that will stand at the edge of a high cliff, not to look down but to look into the distance.

The kind that will daydream in the middle of a rehearsal.

The kind that will enjoy thinking for the whole day about what to have for dinner alone.

The kind that can be in the midst of ten conversations but catch absolutely nothing.

Maybe I really enjoy spending time with myself too much.

Maybe I really am too passive.

Maybe its not a characteristic, its a problem.

But I'm just really tired of being the back up plan.

Especially now that I know how being someone's top priority feels like.

This is just...

Ah I just have to get used to it again.

No biggie. :)

2012-01-20T16:42:00.001+08:00

Advising day today.
For both shenyun and in general.

Usually I'm not very happy after advising, its like going for a doctor's appointment where the doctor tells you: Your health is not in grave danger, but you're still dying anyway.

You know its the truth and you know most people are like that but there's still not much reason to smile.

So this year it was a bit more different with all the drama going on... seriously I thought I wasn't the one moping around school already so the teachers wouldn't have noticed, not until the girls told them like, directly.

But well, what's happened has happened, saying it and not talking about it doesn't affect the event itself (just my emotions dammit).

But I just gotta learn how to deal with all the negativity, and how I just want to run away and let them all shut up etc.

Somehow I feel like I'm okay now. I accept how the way things are, how the way certain people are and even though its no cause for celebration, I'm not gonna be depressed or worry about it anymore.

One of my teachers told me, no one can love a person who doesn't love themself (wtf what is the right grammar for this?!). And I think its true la.

I want to be there for the people I love, but if I'm just getting what I want from them then I'll be a burden to people instead.

And some people are not worth my time. I may not hate them but if they can't even respect me and be a little more patient with me then why should I spend the effort to be patient with them?

I won't assume everyone is like me, so I won't judge if they do things or think differently. But if you lash out at me, I don't see the need to accept the criticism either.

理性一点

Gotta stop taking myself for granted.

Gonna keep working on it.
Gonna keep dancing my heart out.

I'm trying my best, and I'll stop expecting others to do the same.

I know I'm not the only hurt one.
And I'm sorry for the people that I've neglected and hurt because of my own self-centredness.
(Ruimin, Aaron, meimei etc.)
But nothing is ever one-sided.

And for those who never run out of criticism to give out to others...

have hope la, okay?

Things aren't that simple.

There is no 坏人or好人...

Nobody's perfect, but I believe we should strive to be the best that we can be...

Not just in our careers, but as a person too.

That way the world will be a better place... right?

2012-01-19T22:58:00.003+08:00

I thought I was able to do it already, but coming home tonight...

I realise maybe I'm still a little distance from my breaking (away) point... :p

It hurt me a little, and I still don't know how to be myself, and sometimes with that group of people I just really don't understand, or can't relate.

Its natural, but just another reminder of who I am and where I come from.

There is a side of me that doesn't want to go through this, but another part tells me to do it, to leave zero room for regrets or for turning back.

I'm quite upset that I'm not going back for CNY, even though I try not to think about it too much. Even though there are people who think I'm wasteful and stupid, I know this is a decision that I have to bear the consequences for.

I just don't want anyone and anything to be the last resort, or the fall back plan again. I know how hurtful that is and that's why whenever I talk to someone or do something, its not because I settle for it but because I actively decide to do so.

Which is why a big part of me would rather be alone this CNY, except I think this January has had enough tears, and plus the boredom would kill me.

Haha... technically I just get killed one way or the other.

可惜我不是索女

I guess there are some truths I just have yet to accept *coughcough* hahaha...

But no, I really thought she looked so beautiful today.

And I think, I've seen enough ugliness to really appreciate the goodness in others.

Its really scary. I wish I had never seen this side of you.

2012-01-13T00:42:00.001+08:00

有時候真的覺得
我在被玩

被不珍惜的感覺
真的很sian

我想
我應該在沿著一條
沒有得回頭的路

其實事實是
每一天
自己一個走向碼頭去的時候

我都會跟自己說
其實這樣也okay啊

難過可是又不見得會死

我還是記得一個人的感覺

其實我有那麼難愛嗎？
還是跟我在一起太久真的很累？

其實我一直以為我沒做錯事
是不是從頭
問題就已經在我這了？

對他埋怨了
他開始覺得我煩了

但如果我連這樣都要小心
那他是不是不夠愛我

He always says he doesn't deserve all this.

He's always harping on about how we're not clear-headed.

Maybe... he's right.

If he won't even try, if he doesn't cherish anyone, then why am I trying?

What am I fighting for?

I hate this jealous, desperate me.

I want to let go, or get him back.

I don't want to be kept waiting anymore.

I can't...

The pain and disappointment is starting to tear me apart.

Though I'm amazed by the limits of my own endurance, its like everyday a little bit more happens to make me clearer.

I can feel it.

The time is coming soon.

2012-01-12T01:04:00.001+08:00

我已經跟你說了一千遍
說到連自己都聽煩了
說到什麼意思都沒有了

其實就算我還喜歡
就算你知道我在等
又有什麼用呢

你還是會跟我說
放手吧我知道你累了

可能如果我真的放手
你也會比較少煩惱吧

其實真正的第三者
是我

其實你們沒有分開過

其實我們沒有一起過

其實你只是愛上了我的安全感和對你的溫柔

其實我在你生命中沒有什麼特別價值

其實我們做好朋友會比較適合

一個沒有承諾的關係
既不是朋友也不是情人
什麼都不是

陳美錡
你幹嘛還在等
等著一個不愛你的人

我現在需要的
是一個願意留在我身邊
和我一起度過生命的喜怒哀樂的人

既然沒有
那你就學會自己照顧自己多點吧

跳舞已經那麼廢了
希望你做人不會一樣失敗

享受現在？
享受跳獨舞的感覺？
享受獨立的感覺？

哈哈

我試試吧
反正現在
有第二個選擇嗎？

2012-01-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Fucking stressed out.

Sorry for the language, but I'm so tired of this feeling.

WHY IN THE WORLD AM I GIVEN OPPORTUNITIES I'M NOT EVEN READY FOR?!

And the most screwed up thing is, I can't even complain, cos people are dying for this opportunity.

Honest to God, this isn't a difficult piece.

Really... I mean, its only the 8th rehearsal and we've almost finished 19 minutes.

Its just, I'm not her. And she's like so far from where I am how can I ever come close?

And everyone's talking about how little they have to do and how boring this whole thing is and I understand but I feel slightly... envious.

I know I am so honored to be given this part to dance, I don't know why but its okay, I'm honored.

But the last time and in fact every single time I do a solo, it freaking sucks. Like to the COREEEEE.

(Even though I have no core. -_-)

I really suck.

FTS.

I hate who I am.

I hate the little value that I have to myself and to others.

Right now I really need someone to be here to tell me that I'm gonna do okay, that I'm not as unimportant as I think I am.

But there isn't anyone left.

I've been chasing after the things that won't turn back, and pushing away the ones that will.

This isn't a mess. Its a lesson to teach me... either stand up by yourself or collapse by yourself.

When I am done whining, hopefully I'll be standing....

2012-01-03T23:59:00.002+08:00

其實開學我很開心
見到朋友
回歸平常的忙
提醒我我不是一個人

不管我有多心疼
一定要記得
不能因為自己的自私而傷害別人

今天排舞
竟然叫我跳solo
超級無敵非常緊張
但不斷的提醒自己
不要讓自己又失望

跳他的動作我很享受
他要的感覺
我心裡面很清楚
只不過不知道身體能不能做出來

想抓回過去
但過去已經過去了
現在那片地
已經沒人了

我想我也算體驗過那種感覺吧
拼命想要挽回
但其實沒有東西挽回了

很好

可惜我是要跳出來不是寫下來

別怕陳美錡
就算你最後
如果真的是一個人
你也能好好的

但for now....
回想一下
薄命挽回的感覺

2012 New Year Resolutions

2012-01-02T21:38:00.000+08:00

1. Don't be a part of anything I wouldn't be proud to be a part of. Like bullying, bitching, etc.

2. Be more proactive and go after what I want.

3. Learn how to be more independent.

4. Learn how to deal with pressure, whether from peers or from my profession.

5. Learn how to let go, without losing hope.

6. Oversleep less often.

7. Depend on God more.

8. Keep working on understanding others. And being kind.

Probably not the best time to write something like this... not when I'm in such a horrible mood...

But I think I need to actively move on... I know the normal me would.

I guess the saddest part is, just a short few days ago we were so close, and I felt so safe, but then suddenly the whole world came crashing down and it was like everything was taken away from me.

Its not so much the loss of anything substantial, probably just the loss of potential.

I know in this case, I didn't do anything wrong, and probably it was just God's will that she came back, or rather, he let her come back...

But even after all this, I don't want to give up on him. And most importantly, I really crave his attention, his love, his tenderness... its like having really intense withdrawal symptoms.

Without his voice, his touch, his scent, I feel like I've been dropped off the cliff I've hung on to for so long.

I feel lonely, unwanted, unloved... but I know that isn't true.

Now I truly understand how the heart cannot listen to the brain. Its like it totally refuses to calm down and listen and just starts to tear itself apart.

I'm still hurting pretty bad, after all, its only been 2 days. Its just, another first for me I guess...
I cried, the whole day yesterday. Like literally. Its so scary, I have never seen myself like this. It was so pathetic, and when I look back I just wish there was someone to hold me when I was falling apart.

And I knew who I wanted that someone to be.

But I remember telling myself, after this passes, I'll be stronger... and I believe it.

The truth is, I'm thinking of getting him back. I know its easier said than done, especially when I know his heart may be slowly pushing me out, and slowly filling up with her....

But I want to try. Even though I know its gonna be even more painful and even more difficult, but I feel like we were separated because of circumstances and responsibility and I don't know...

Maybe its more like I want a second chance?

I know, there's a fundamental problem when he won't make me a promise to stay faithful to me, or to her to stay faithful to her, because it just means we're both neither his most important person.

But I guess my reasoning is, I don't want to give up after one setback. Maybe setback is not the word for it, but my decision is, I want this relationship. I want this person. I can't be satisfied with being friends.

And maybe this is the heartbroken me talking, or the senseless me talking, but I don't want us to be separated unless it is because there is no love left, in either one or both of us.

Perhaps one day I'll regret thinking like this, perhaps tomorrow I will regret it, but I truly believe that he is worth it, and that we are worth it.

I just want the one I love to be happy, and I believe I can make him smile.

It sounds crazy and stupid, I know... but let me try, okay?

2012-01-01T04:07:00.001+08:00

Brokenhearted on the first day of 2012.

2011-12-28T18:57:00.000+08:00

记得你以前跟我说过
为什么我会觉得没有安全感
而不会因为拥有你
所以觉得自己比其他女人更好
不会觉得proud to be你的谁

你用了Andy Lau的老婆当例子
我也不记得她的名字了
但记得几乎没有人看过她的真面目
因为她每次被拍的时候都在带口罩

我现在想起来
可能是因为
Andy的老婆对他很有信心吧
或Andy有办法让她相信他

现在的我
一点安全感都没有
一点信心都没有

我今天一直在想
可能他对我说的话
也都会对她说

会把我传给他的简讯给她看
会把我说得好烦

我完全不知道我在他心目中的地位是不是第一

我曾经以为
我不能对他有那么多要求
他会爱我我已经很幸运了

但当我一再又一再的发现
原来我只不过是其中一个
而是比较差劲的那一个

我就开始很害怕失去他

因为害怕
就越不敢对他要求什么
因为不想失去我爱的人
所以不逼他去做决定

所以你一直都在两边跑
喜欢就找我
喜欢就找她

有时候会用一句‘我需要冷静一下’
来打发我们
然后从新再开始

可能你看不出你在做什么吧

可是我真的很痛

很痛但又不想放手
很痛但不想因为害怕就逃避

只有听到你亲口跟我说你不要我了

我才有可能会放开吧

今天我又在想

可能我做得不够吧
没有努力点让他爱上我多点
自己听自己这么说
都觉得好笨噢

我应该继续假装没事
然后继续找他
继续这个不三不四的状态吗

还是逼他做个决定

还是走

今天他跟她见面去谈了
我就这样自己过了一天
看了戏一直在流泪
想不到我也可以那么感性
哈哈

他问了我
不如你跟我说你的吧
我说
你先跟她聊吧

其实我那一刻好伤心
真的要sell自己吗？

选我别选她！
我.... 比她高
... 比她老

什么

自尊心大受打击呀

我现在超想打给他
打给那个
说跟我一起很舒服
说南丫岛风大要小心
说我真的很需要你
的人

这样的感情算不算自虐啊？

我多希望
今晚他能和平时一样
陪我吃饭
进南丫

我多希望
一切回归正常

但正常
又是什么呢？

2011-12-27T01:09:00.002+08:00

我最近覺得自己有一些毛病已經存在太久了

是時間罵一罵自己了

第一。不要抱著以牙還牙的態度。

人家怎麼對我我就怎麼對人家。

我之前覺得這有什麼問題啊？
不是理所當然的嗎？
這樣想是對的啊！

錯！！！

我有自己的原則對某些事情的態度
是跟別人不一樣的

而且我又不是別人
為什麼要對每個人都不一樣啊

如果A對我好我就對他好
如果B對我差我就對他差

陳美錡就是陳美錡
我不想對人衰
我也沒有資格去批評別人
決定他們值不值得

因為我們都是人
都會犯錯
沒有完美的

錯就是錯
沒有比較錯
比較不錯的

我知道我不完美
但我想用真心對待每一個人

我想對每個人都有禮貌
為他人著想

意思不是我會為每一個人付出我的所有
但至少我想尊敬每一個在我身邊的人

如果我不喜歡A每次跟我說話唉聲嘆氣
我就不能對任何人說話唉聲嘆氣

如果B欺騙了我讓我很難過
我就更加不能欺騙別人

感受過經歷過
就應該更加了解
不再讓難過的事情重複

竟然要做最好的我
就不能讓不開心的話或舉動繼續

你可能會問
意義在哪裡？
這種想法應該不是很現實吧？
你不會累死嗎？
等等。。。

我只想說我願意去試
不是為了討人喜歡
是為了讓自己喜歡

不是一種逃避現實的想法
只不過希望‘現實’不再帶著一種負面的意思

累？
有什麼是不累的？

做自己就好了嘛
但我又是誰呢？

一直在改變的我
哪一天會很清楚的知道我是個怎麼樣的人呢？

幾時會學會欣賞自己？幾時會學會愛自己？
如果不知道我是誰
不如去做一個我知道我會喜歡的人

會不會覺得自己很假呢？
可能吧

但如果知道真實的我想對別人衰
是不是應該對別人衰才對啊？

可能我的邏輯有點錯誤吧
如果你找出來請跟我說

我的思想
沒有整齊過
我就是‘矛盾’的代言人！

哈哈。。。

第二。我就是心太軟，心太軟。。。

雖然說我平時是個拿得起放得下的人
但可能老了吧哈哈

在某些方面我可是非常非常的不理智的

平常在舞蹈的世界裡已經要爭奪機會了
把最好的表現出來希望別人會選你

難道
做朋友
做情人
也要這樣嗎？

可能這裡就開始矛盾了
如果朋友和情人是應該愛原本的你
而你不知道原本的你是誰
那還有什麼好愛的呢？

還是如果說
我最基本的原則就是想當好人
而那是你在我身上欣賞的
所以你選擇愛我

很愚蠢
現在我在分析愛情友情

美錡呀美錡。。。

現在的我
就像在面試

為什麼要等待
為什麼要帶著這種緊張心情過日子

為什麼幸福是辛苦的
為什麼簡單是那麼的困難

我從不相信
愛是複雜的

愛很簡單
信任很簡單
希望很簡單
但人不簡單

有些事情必須要面對
但因為害怕所以逃避

這個我完全了解

但當你知道你很有可能傷害到人
難道你還想逃下去嗎？

你不是愛錯
你是做錯了

所以我說
我不在乎你的過去
除非你的過去變成你的現在

因為我知道
沒人能控制自己心裡的感覺
但你能而且必須控制你的行動

跟伍詠豪在一起的美錡
是最快樂的美錡

但往往能讓你最快樂的人
也能讓你最傷心

請你好好照顧我的心

我很獨立
我的生活不用任何人為我操心

但我的心很軟

我很少生氣
更少發脾氣
更加少會大哭

但現在的感受
或者說你每一次離開我的感受
比以上任何一項都難受

我很想怪你
但最終
我只會怪自己

你說過
以我的能力不能為你做很多
無論是錢那方面
或功課
或工作
甚至舞蹈上
也不能幫到你

不只是這樣

我也帶給你很多壓力
關心我的同學
關心我的朋友
關心我的家人

所以其實
一直都不是很明白
我有什麼好愛上的
哈哈

可能聽起來很自卑
但我確實很普通

你也不是沒有其他更好的選擇

重點是你有得選
因為我不是唯一一個希望得到你的愛的女人

不明白你為什麼一開始會選擇我

可能你也開始不明白了吧
所以才要想清楚

不是的。愛情哪可以這樣分析啊！

可我就是這麼分析了

唉
怎樣
我白痴的程度
真的
好嚇人

放不放下不是問題
我還愛
我還信

但我錯了嗎？
為什麼要我等待？
除非你是在選

那如果你是在選擇
而不是在放下過去的話
請你
不要選擇我

我不想做second choice
我還沒可憐到那種地步

若愛請深愛
若棄請徹底

我很愛你
但我不能愛上一個只會讓我更加討厭自己的人

你心裡混亂
我腦子混亂

告訴我該怎麼做

2011-12-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

What now?

2011-12-25T00:22:00.000+08:00

Looking at the bag of stuff on the floor... I really feel like that's how he feels.
'I'll just put it aside for now.' but what he really is doing is throwing it away, just maybe temporarily.

When he remembers or feels like it, he will take it back, and maybe have an apology or two, depending on how I remind him.

But right now its just there, lying on the floor.

Taking a break. Thinking it through.

Sounds so rational when I know that he will still come back to me.
Why do I wait for him to come back?
This is where my reasoning malfunctions.

But I cannot tell him this.
I cannot tell him that I feel like you are putting my heart on the floor.

He will feel like whatever he does, he will always be in the wrong.
He won't know what to do.

But its not that he's in the wrong because he's not doing something FOR me.
He doesn't realise
you can't make everyone happy
but you can make everyone unhappy.

I used to know what I want.
Now I just want to have a simple and strong relationship, built on trust and understanding.

In the recent days, I felt it was possible.

Then this happened.

I don't know why it happened. I don't know how.

It might be God's will. But I don't see why it happened yet.

Yes sweets, you missed the thinking it through part.
But what you don't realise
is that every action has a consequence.

But you aren't willing to face it.

You told her you needed some time to think it through. And you came here.

You told me you need some time to think it through, when you're on your way there.

Yes, you have a reason for everything, but is what you're doing the best way to handle that particular situation?
You believe so?
Have you ever tried looking at things from her point of view? Or from mine?

You call me to tell me you're very confused?
How can I help you?

Should I hold on to you? Tell you that there's no need to think it through?
That you're better off with me?

I won't.

Because I don't believe so.

Tell you its okay, go after her. She's what you've always wanted?
I can't.

Because I don't want to lose someone so precious to me.

Yet now, whether temporarily or not, I've already lost him.

She said she received her greatest present on her birthday?
I think I've just been slapped in the face.

Should I let go? Will we all be happier like that?
Will they be happier?
Will he be happier?

Am I the one holding everyone up?

Right now I'm hurting, yes. But there's a little sense of relief too.
Finally, for good or bad, its getting settled.
I just hope, whatever the outcome, this phase will pass soon.

Christmas 2011...
its unforgettable all right.

2011-12-13T17:39:00.000+08:00

Its like its bothering so much I can't even do my homework properly.
And when I come here to type it all out there's nothing I can do.

There really is this ache in my heart.

Like physical-ly painful.

I'm so unsure about so many things. Of the most simple of them all too.

And right now I totally don't know what I think, and what I should think, and why I wasn't thinking in the right way in the past.

I don't know what's my problem and thus I don't know how to fix it.

I don't want to keep saying yes yes yes okay and agree with everything you say.

But at the same time it makes sense, and when I have no prior knowledge about it then why shouldn't I listen?

You said the people whom you love the most can hurt you the most.

Well, nobody has ever hurt me this way before.

The most confusing thing is, I don't know what you're doing that makes me feel so hurt!

I feel inadequate, shallow, like the person that you wanted was someone good and nice and a total softie, but I'm not.

I feel like I turned you off, just by being myself.

The worst thing is when a bad thing happens without having anyone to blame for it. At least if someone did something wrong, I can forgive. But its not an accident, and I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don't think in this area you did anything wrong...

You're right. We both think waaaay too much.

And its giving me a headache and a heartache.

Literally.

2011-12-06T01:10:00.001+08:00

Please don't hurt me again. You have no idea how scared I am now. It makes me want to run away, but I know I will regret not making as great an effort as I could, next time when I look back.

You have no idea how painful it is.

If you did, you would be more stingy with your sweet words and comforting arms. I'd like to say I feel special to you, but how can I, when I am just one of many.

One day, any day, you can just turn and walk into someone else's arms. I know I can too, but I choose not to, because in my heart, you are special. There is a reason why I put so much into your hands. If you are afraid of holding it then let everything go.

Right now I'm slipping and tripping and it feels like you don't want me to go on.

如果幫你做決定你會不會輕鬆點

2011-12-05T17:47:00.001+08:00

I'm writing this instead of the homework I should be doing because I have no idea how to answer the questions my teachers give me. The vastness of the potential of what I can say sometimes just shuts my mind down. Its been an emotional roller coaster ride the last month. Even though right now we're still in the midst of it, I think I'd better write it down before I completely lose my mind.

I need to know that you will make the effort to make this last. Emotions are like fireworks, they're intense, but always fleeting. I know you're scared. But if you decide to continue along the path you chose, please tell me, so that I can stop hoping. No one can predict the future, whether good or bad... but if the fear in you is greater than the desire for something solid, then let go, now. You have always made me happy, whether consciously or not. I can understand why you chose to go that way, I don't think you can really get why, but I feel like maybe, if I had your opportunity, I'm not so sure I would have chosen differently from you. But you turned back. And I need to know that you are trying to walk back all the way, and not constantly pacing back and forth, back and forth. Because I need to continue living my life, and although I'd really like it if I didn't have to walk alone, but I don't like standing here for so long, not sure of what I'm waiting for. I just pray I'm not waiting to have my heart broken again.

Its my problem I know. I probably could've made it happen if I wanted to, but I'm not so sure I want to anymore. Its really tiring. Do you know? If you were willing to take your feet out of your shoes and put them into others' for once, you would understand. So you will never understand. But its okay. I'm fine with the way we are now. And I hope one day, you will understand why I am doing this.

I believe in new beginnings. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in the power of faith, hope and love. I believe in empathy. I believe in goodness.

Because I believe in all of this, I don't believe in anyone here anymore. With a few exceptions of course.

It disappoints me. How they are so eager to dish out hurt and mean words. It doesn't help that they are accompanied with laughter, because I know that your laughter means you think you are better.

2011-11-20T09:19:00.001+08:00

This is the third year out of four years in HKAPA that I'm doing 安徽花鼓燈... I hope I don't have to do it for my last year too.

But speaking from the heart, I know how rare it is to dance in a piece that isn't stressful and is just really happy. The last time I had the chance to dance like that onstage was in Macau with Hong Kong Dance. :) I guess without the extra nervousness, I was really able to take in everything onstage and back, and appreciate the way things run in the theatre.

The lights, the back of the wings, the inner stage, the cool lift at the sidestage, the dancers preparing...

The stage really has magic. The distance from the side wings and the stage is merely a few steps, but the perspective is completely different.

I'm thankful for this dance. :) Thankful that I learnt how to find myself before trying to present myself. Thankful that I had someone to watch, to hang on for every time he performed. Thankful that I was away from too much bitching.

It was hard on the heart, these few days in the theatre, and while I tried to keep my thoughts away from the performance, it was then that I realised more about myself too. How I need to go do things more than simply think of doing them... how bad I am at communicating... how ruimin always touches her hair when I'm tying it...

Hahaha... it really speaks about the lack of trust, but I don't blame her because my french plaiting skills really suck. :p

I also realised how easy it is to lose your temper when the pressure is on. The last few days before and during the performance, in the theatre especially.

When I was watching the video of our afternoon performance on Saturday, I had the sudden feeling of affection towards this piece...which is just strange because I've always felt like the teachers did a very shoddy job of planning our performance.

Tbh hua gu deng is much more entertainment than art, and sometimes I feel like I didn't come to APA to do SYF stuff...

But in the theatre I can see that it works. Our piece may not be very 'meaningful', but it still can touch the hearts of the audience. And that is the most important to me. :)

And my dear Skinny, who had this huge opportunity (that came along with a huge amount of stress) to dance with Cindy onstage for 6 whole minutes, has gone through quite a lot.

We're very different, he and I, and sometimes I find myself thinking that I should be more like him when it comes to dance.

Elizabeth Chan is perfectly fine with being happy dancing. But that is not what professional dancers should be aiming for. Happiness is too simple. Too shallow.

I've understood that now. You dance to learn. Dance to communicate, with yourself, your dancemates and the audience.

And how much you get from something depends on the amount of effort you take to squeeze new stuff out of it.

Newton was lucky, the apple happened to drop on his head. Others might've had to shake the tree, or climb it, or even chop the apple tree down, to realise something new.

So I have to get my butt up from under the shade of the beautiful apple tree, and go get some apples for myself. :p

I really do believe that maybe its better to have friends who don't dance professionally, or to have a partner who isn't from this industry, because truthfully, how many people can fit on an apple tree? When push comes to shove, will you choose dance or will you choose him?

I think I know his answer. And I know her answer. I don't know mine.

Maybe its because we're young, and 上進心 is something that is greatly encouraged...

But I don't see anyone giving up their career for me, and till I find that person, I think I am very unlikely to do so too. :p

When you make a commitment to something, usually because of affection, there are two parts: passion and responsibility. It is very easy to focus on one and forget about the other, because they are so conflicting. One is emotional, one is logical. Without passion, a relationship is just sad la. And tiring. Without responsibility, there is a large opportunity for people to get hurt, and for mistakes to be made.

Sometimes we talk about mindsets, or attitudes, and how your value system decides what is right and wrong. Some people take it too far I think. Yes I can be open minded, but the question to ask is really very simple: will anyone else be unhappy because of the choice I am about to make?

I think we can safely establish that it isn't right to make someone unhappy. Of course, I'm not talking about selfish psychos who want everything to go their way and if one part is out of place, BOOM. Tantrum.

I'm talking about normal people la (though its difficult to tell what is normal anymore...

That was just something I happened to think about recently...

One funny thing that happened during the performances was on Friday afternoon, during one of the tuo jus where I was supposed to sit on my partner's shoulder and he will turn in a circle, I fell off his shoulder in slo-mo. And I was like 'NONONONONONONONoooo........' fall down. And I was like AIYAH and my first reaction was to hit Hoitong cos I was like 'see la you push my back again huh push push push!' and somehow we managed to get through the time though I completely don't remember what I did after I hit him hahaha.... but apparently it was quite natural so heng ah... :p

I'm more thankful it didn't happen again for the rest of the performances though. :)

At this point of time I am talking to Aaron on Facebook and my entire train of thought has flown away hahaha...

Anyway I think this Dance 1 has been a good experience, though it still can't beat the insanity of last year's wa zu. :p

2011-11-19T08:46:00.001+08:00

I dunno. Its usually my problem la.

Whoever comes close to me usually ends up regretting it at some point or other.

One day I'll just run far far away....

2011-11-19T08:30:00.001+08:00

I've been so happy and so hurt in the past few days.

I admit, it was my own fault. I didn't trust him, I didn't take the initiative to find out what was wrong until I felt like he let me down.

But really, its always been me letting people down.

But you know, I realise it really is easier to pretend I don't care. Or pretend that I'm happy.

There was only once, during rehearsal, that I felt like wtf I can't smile now!

But the rest, did it really matter?

The thing is, I can only guess what's wrong.

Maybe its pressure, maybe its home, maybe its as simple as he doesn't like me anymore.

At the beginning I was like, seriously? Come on, grow up and stop playing games. Either be with me or don't.

Cos it fucking sucks being played around like that.

Not like it doesn't already happen enough.

But I swallowed all of that and then I was like 'okay I'll try to make you happy cos I know you're really stressed out'.

Really, is it so difficult to not always think of yourself? Its a good attitude to have in Dance but then again you're not attached to dance.

And okay maybe I am the pot calling the kettle black but I try.

And on the other end you don't give a damn about what I wrote to you.

You think it was a piece of cake to write it? You think I didn't put in enough thought? My dear, I've been thinking about the same thing for months! And you're not making it easier.

You won't let go of me when I want to be with others, or be on my own, and you won't think of me when there is a possibility of any benefits happening.

Its not just once or twice. Its not just a matter of months.

I'm tired.

Stop pushing me away and pulling me in. I know its my own fault for having no backbone, but is it so difficult to be consistently nice?Or am I wrong for expecting the people I love to put in the same amount of effort consistently?I'm not saying I have sucky friends omg, I just wish I didn't feel so hurt.It doesn't have to be so complicated guys. I really wish I could ask clearly, what in the world is bothering you so much that you think its perfectly okay to ignore me or talk to me so coldly. Cos even though I'm good at waiting, my patience does have a limit. 可能是我想多了可能是我自己太自私了可是我不玩複雜的遊戲你不是要我這個朋友就是不要別天天換注意我是人被這樣玩我寧可自己一個

2011-11-09T21:50:00.001+08:00

We all feel this way sometimes...

2011-10-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

My legs are killing me. Quads, ITB, knees, and the little ligament/tendon down the outside of the tibia.
Thanks to the tuesday classes.

I always feel like after Tuesday passes the week gets over faster cos there aren't any tiring days left. But this is only because our rep is so relaxing. -_-

I don't know if I'm too distant or too clingy sometimes you know. Makes me wanna go crazy. Seriously next time I'm just gonna ask straight out. In class too.

I'm really blogging for the sake of blogging here.

Okay let's blog about the book I'm reading now. Its really good I think. The Other Side of the Story written by Marian Keyes. Its about these 3 women and two of them wrote books and the middle person is their publishing agent and well it gets really complicated but a running theme through the book is cheating.

One girl's dad leaves her mother for a younger woman after 35 years of marriage. That same girl's fiance left her for her best friend and had a baby with her. The agent is having an affair with her boss who is married with kids... etc.

And its all talked about in a very lighthearted tone, though of course the conflict is very present.

It kind of made me think a little... There are a thousand and one methods to be unfaithful to the commitment you made to another person. And I believe that sometimes, the line between being friendly and unfaithful can be really fine, and the boundaries are decided upon by yourself and your partner.

Not to say that you can't have friends once you're attached, but the thing is, what does being attached mean? What's the difference between being attached and being friends?

Its probably too early for me to talk about this but if I want a relationship that is less physical and more emotional/mental, what's the difference then?

For me, I really don't mind that he has had his share of the field. I know them, I like them as classmates/schoolmates and it won't change because I don't want to judge people based on what they did in the past, because so far their present hasn't hurt me in any way. Probably the only thing I would worry about is that he hasn't really put down the hope of their relationship continuing further. Its difficult to be sure about it, but I guess what I mean is that I'm not sure of what he feels of his past.

I know, trust right?

But the thing is, I really don't understand why anyone would feel even the slightest amount of attraction towards someone like me. Before you go rolling your eyes at my hypocrisy, its not! I'm really quite sincere about this. I mean, as friends yea I can be pleasant but I see nothing special in me that a million others (with better qualities) don't have?

Omg sorry I know this is all sounding a bit paranoid but I guess I've never really felt assured about myself so this just adds on to my insecurities.

Really tiring for the people around me huh. :(

Back to the beginning, I know the culture is different here, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I see people who are attached being really friendly to their friends. Okay even typing that out sounds stupid but sorry, I'm not someone who's very generous with hugs and shares everything with people that I'm not very close to. That's why I've never said it out loud? Because I feel like its probably something I'm not used to, like its part of their culture...

But I think I'm too clueless for someone like him. Sometimes I really feel like he'll grow tired of me sooner or later hahaha... I just I should just enjoy the moment huh? :)

I'm just afraid that I'm holding back because I'm afraid.

I can literally see the thoughts in my head changing week after week. In terms of learning... its interesting, but I don't think the people around me may like it. :/ ohwell...

My legs are really killing me.

2011-10-15T00:21:00.001+08:00

其實我是一個很糟糕的舞蹈者
一個很糟糕的學生
一個很糟糕的朋友
一個很糟糕的女朋友

對不起
我說了太多次了

你可不可以不要再讓人失望啊
陳美錡

2011-09-29T09:31:00.001+08:00

Typhoon signal number 8 is hoisted, for the first time when I'm on Lamma and the second time since my time in Hong Kong.

And its nice to know I'm not alone. The discussions go strong on Facebook as well as in the living room where my 5 other housemates are watching television, thankful that they get an extra day to rest.

And when I look back into the sleeping face of someone I love and want to take care of, I think that this is the moment... There are times in your life you realise that you are perfectly happy with what you have (regardless of whether that's a good thing or not) and all I need to do is thank God and be happy.

It can be this simple. A morning where school is suddenly cancelled due to huge winds (in fact the sun is out) and I'm typing away on my beloved computer trying not to wake up the person who literally accompanied me through the storm haha...

I might be carried away by the grayness of the weather and the hidden analogies that I can't seem to stop finding, but once again I am reminded that happiness can be very simple.

Thank God. :)

2011-09-26T21:14:00.002+08:00

I'm 21, thanks.

Thank you for raising me, for tolerating my ignorance and stubbornness, for your support and advice... Even though we have our disagreements at times but we grow together and its interesting sometimes to see how the past and the present differ so much from each other. :) I could not have asked for better parents. I know we've been through a lot of tough times, but coming here made me realise how extremely lucky I am and how I shouldn't be complaining about all that I don't have when I already have so much. :) Stay healthy and happy, and I hope I'll be able to thank you on my 30th and 40th and 50th birthdays. :)

Thank you for being the least troublesome siblings I know. Even though I hardly hear from you, but I'm very happy to see you grow and mature and walk through the same steps I did at that age. I think the best thing to do will be to stamp out a path by yourself, but if you ever need help don't hesitate to ask. I love having siblings, especially when its you guys. :) I really miss the Disneyland trip... I hope next time we'll be able to go somewhere fun (when its not in the middle of a school year :p) together again.

Thank you for your past 7 years of friendship. Whether we walk together or apart the fact is that you are a big part of what my life is right now. I still take comfort in knowing that for most things, I have you to accompany me and I can still look to you whenever I need help or need to remember steps. The time we spend together may deplete after time, but in my heart, you will always be the one who knows me best. Thank you for never losing your temper and shouting at me, thank you for being there when I needed you, thank you for knowing what I want even though I don't say it out. Thank you for being you. I know its not easy being next to me sometimes, but I thank you for your patience and love. :) I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you all the way here, away from home. We will last many many more years, I'm sure of it. :)

Thank you for the laughter I always get when I'm with you guys. Thank you for always making time for each other and most importantly, thank you for letting me become one of you guys. Its difficult to explain why, but talking with you guys always relaxes me, and not only when you're cracking the usual lame jokes. I'm really thankful I found a bunch of friends who are willing to understand, more than judge, each other and even though we all have such different lives, the thing we all have in common is that we really like each other. :) It may not be very deep or complicated, but I'm glad that I can still find such pure and simple friendship in you guys. :)

Thank you for making me feel special. Even though I still don't understand it, but I really think the effort that we will make for each other is so precious. We both don't know how long it will last, but the important thing is that we both hope for it to last as long as it can I guess. :) Thank you for making me feel guilty by bringing me to Shanghai. Thank you for making time for me even though I know you have other needs and stuff to do. Thank you for always sending me home and making me feel like moving nearer to school. -_- Haha... you brought a bout of fresh air in my life, and made me understand myself a bit more. :) May sound a little complicated but thank you for choosing to be in my life. :)

Thank you for being there. Thank you for fuelling my love for dance at the very beginning, when I was so weak and clueless. Thank you for showing me what good dancing is. Thank you for being my friend, when you have so many others. Thank you for your sweet Tinkerbell themed presents year after year. Thank you for being the nicest person I know. You were a big part of my life once and even though we don't talk as much now, I still really care for you as a friend. :) I hope you learn to believe in yourself soon, and give yourself the kind of positivity you once gave me. :)

Thank you for being my awesome friend. For wanting to be there for me, but I must admit I don't make it easy. Thanks for always encouraging me to be healthy and to work hard, even though I constantly complain about things I really shouldn't be complaining about. Thanks for making me feel like there are people waiting for me back home. :) Thanks for opening my eyes to games and rock and roll and a million other things (like ttyl, fts etc.) because without you I'd just be a boring old grandma. Hahaha... I really hope your positive energy will last forever cos that's the awesome friend I know I can count on to make me smile. I hope I'm not too much failure as a friend too... :p

Thanks for the girls who I love spending time with, who pampered me for my birthday and really just enjoy hanging out and shopping with. Sometimes I feel its not too good to spend too much time together cos we just keep eating junk food non-stop. -_- hahaha... You sweeties are the ones who make APA more warm at heart. :) Thanks for all your sweet notes and words every performance and even when we're passing each other in school. I miss not having you guys in class to do project work with. :( But you guys made last year so much better. :) When I am not so broke, we must go overseas/shopping together again okay!!! :D

Thanks for the classmates who never fail to make me laugh and feel better about being stuck in the same place day after day for hours and hours. The guys with their lousy yellow minded and lame jokes and the girls with their gossip and stuff. Hahaha... I'm glad I'm in this class. :)

Thanks for the godparents who still keep in contact after 30 odd years of friendship. Thanks making HKAPA possible for me. Thanks for being a very crucial line of support when I'm away from home. :) I'm glad I always have you guys to turn to whenever I need a home cooked dinner or am in some trouble that I don't know how to settle by myself...

Thanks for all the friends and teachers who have helped shaped me and my life. I don't really have an impressive memory so the people who affected and changed me must have really been powerful. I'm okay with who I am right now. I can be a better person, I can be smarter, I can be stronger, I can be more disciplined, but I'm not unhappy with who I turned out to be. I'm thankful that I'm blessed with so much and I'm even more thankful that I'm not content because I know I can be better. I don't believe any what ifs or if onlys would have changed me, because I believe things turned out the way they did for a reason. And I believe that no matter what that reason is, there is always cause for understanding and joy. I hope that in the future I won't be blinded by my own narrow-mindedness and short-term sight so that I may always be able to hope and believe in infinite possibilities.

Thank God for His providence in all areas. I would not have the strength, the perserverence or the clear-headedness to think without Him. In Him all things are possible. Thank You for showing me the meaning of true Love and how to love myself and others. Thank You for teaching me to be a better person, even if I don't always succeed. Thank You that no matter how many times I forget You, You never forget me. Thank You that I am blessed enough to know You and to believe in You. Thank You for everything. :)

2011-09-26T17:29:00.002+08:00

I think its just today, the last day before I turn 21, that I feel a little bit negative.

I feel a little more fat than usual.

I have that sudden wtf every step I dance looks like shit feeling.

I want to give up on myself.

I've got no idea how to fix the problems that lie within my body.

All in a day's work for a dancer.

I hate it when I have bouts of negativity like this.

When you hate yourself to the point of despair. After studying for 2 years, dancing for almost everyday, after 16 years of taking classes, I stand in front of the mirror, wishing I was not looking at myself.

At 21 years of age, I can very firmly announce I still do not know how to dance.

I know how to move just like any other normal human being, but I don't know how to dance.

Especially not chinese dance.

And if I don't know how to dance, how do I teach people to dance?

Maybe its a bit confusing, like after spending so much time and money(!!!) on this and like going on and on about chasing my dreams, it seems like there's never a time that I'm happy about my own dancing.

And its true. I hate to watch myself dance.

my ugly feet like look like I'm wearing flippers on land.

my shoulders that always look hunched.

my head that never looks properly attached to my neck.

my knees that don't straighten at the most crucial of times.

That's enough for now, but its good that I don't accept myself for the dancer I am. Because if I did, I should just drop out now and stop wasting resources.

I guess the part that hits me the hardest is the plain frustration. That even though I can be really hardworking it will not show onstage. The audience doesn't know that I put in the effort because I really love dancing.

They will judge me by my performance onstage which will scream lazy and undedicated.

And that is a huge part of dance. Judgement.

In church I learn not to judge a fellow brother or sister because we are all imperfect and we are all sinners.

In school I learn to judge and am judged in return. Day after day.

Its not that I'm only realising this now in my 3rd year in this school, but I guess the contradiction gets to me at times.

There's alot of negativity flying around, but at the same time you can't just sit back and say 'okay, I'm not doing this, I'm not playing games, you guys can go ahead, I'll just sit here and watch'. Because you came in here by competing with others, to compete with others.

You have to keep fighting, every minute of everyday, whether you fight hard or fight smart you have to keep going.

Cos if you give up on yourself, so will your peers and teachers. In this world, no one will nurture you back to health, no one will keep encouraging you to step your game up.

If you, after repeated attempts, fail to show how much you want to be the best or at least better than you are now, you will be given up on.

So no matter how tiring it is, no matter how demoralising it is to see everyone fly past you and you're still stuck there figuring where your head should freaking go, elibird you can't let yourself go.

There are no excuses. Step your game up.

You're not a kid anymore.

2011-09-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

Today I saw this really obese girl flick her hair like she owned the place and I couldn't help but wonder how important confidence is to us, especially those who are in the performing arts....

In dance, even though confidence is a required trait to appear prominent onstage, but no one is born with it. Everyone cultivates it throughout their years of training, or maybe their parents help to cultivate their kids by constantly making them feel like little kings and queens from when they were young, but anyway, the presence of confidence is never absolute.

I think there is a difference in being a confident dancer and confident in life in general. There is a possibility of someone being very confident outside of dance, but unsure of themselves when they look at themselves dancing in the mirror. This is more possible than the opposite happening, though I don't know how you would calculate this kind of probability but let's just say its my opinion for now.

At the risk of sounding very biased, I have to say that the majority of Hong Kongers I've met are very confident of themselves. They're confident of their opinions, confident of their apperance and basically the way they carry themselves shows how it would totally rock to be them. But the thing is, when you combine the same ends of the poles together, they will repel. And thus the result is, they are usually cynical and negative. They can judge very quickly (and then be totally sure of their judgement after that). They can find the negative side to everything. I won't say they're gossipy cos it sounds negative and I don't think its fair if I call a country of people gossips, but they will not hesitate to share their views.

They're a very open bunch of people, open-minded in a sense that you can ask them any kind of question regarding usually taboo subjects and they will very animatedly discuss it. They might even be willing to try it or have tried it. In a sense, I think the hong kongers that I know are very willing to explore yet very self-critical, which may sound like they have no connection at all, and its true. They don't.

I may be overgeneralising and the bunch of friends that I've met certaintly do not represent the 7 million or so people in hong kong, but from what I've seen and heard, I feel like hong kongers are very confident people.

That's not to say that they love themselves, especially in the studio, I see many friends who don't dare to step forward, or who constantly complain about their own lack of improvement or dancing prowess. I would know. I'm one of them.

But being confident means that this self-awareness doesn't stop them from criticising others, or making excuses for themselves.

I'm not measuring the 'good'ness and 'bad'ness of this. I'm just saying, is it better to be like them, at least happy with who they are outside dance, rather than to be someone like me, who looks at herself in the mirror and wants to turn away?

Or keeps her mouth shut not because she doesn't think what they are thinking, but because she's afraid of what others will say about her if she does.

I want to be nice and mean it. I don't want to be nice because I'm afraid of others shooting me.

If I could cultivate this sort of confidence, even if not in dance, I think it would help me.

It would help me with the hundreds of insecurities that I have.

To be tied to someone with emotional baggage.
With someone with twice the financial difficulties.
With someone with twice the money I do.
To not know where the heart truly lies.
Able to see but not to listen.
Able to hear but not to experience.
If I matter amidst all others.
Afraid the past will blend with the future.

I don't even know why.
Its like knitting a huge scarf. I'm not hoping for every stitch to be perfect, but I hope to complete it you know?
And I hope that it will look nice too. I know its kind of hoping for a lot for a first try, but I want to see what happens if I really put my heart into it.

And I really should stop hoping for the ability to hurt people. Its not healthy.

2011-09-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

There are some situations I wouldn't wish on anyone... but when it really happens there's nothing I can do to help.

Its not that I didn't give it enough thought, or that I didn't put in enough effort, but sometimes there's nothing I can do short of losing who I am.

If I lived my life for others, I wouldn't be in this industry.

I could, find a job and earn money to help those around me, but depending on the job that I find, that would jeopardise the amount of rest I get and the salary that I earn from it... who would willingly accept it?

Everyone has different responsibilities at different stages of our lives.

I want to take care of you. I would wish you didn't have to worry.

But things don't work that way.

I don't work that way.

I'm selfish. I need the rest. I need the money.

But I really really wish I could catch everyone who was falling.

2011-09-17T01:59:00.000+08:00

I think this place has evolved from a place where I list down events I want to remember, to a place where I go to blabber out my thoughts, till I straighten my own head out...

I don't know if its my own insecurities, but its intuition that tells me to be careful. I want to be able to trust people, but I just don't.

Learning new ways to look at things, learning to be more alert and focused, learning to think deeper... but its not easy. And chances to do so slip by everyday, because I'm either daydreaming, or not paying attention, or just too confused at that moment.

Its incredible, the number of aha moments I have sometimes, even if occasionally its just a reminder of what I should be doing or thinking.

I just wish this didn't happen at 21.

I guess, he knows I'll mind, but not in the way he thinks.

The more I know the more I feel like I am so far behind. Not that I want to catch up in a sense, but I just wish that sometimes I had something to contribute to the conversation. And maybe also because there are others I know who've gone through the same thing, and even though taken less drastic measures, but I don't know how it feels to experience that level of emotion. I really don't.

I wish I wrote better.

I don't know if its something I'm supressing or because my capacity for emotion is really that small...

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Because today blabbering isn't doing it for me.

2011-09-01T18:00:00.002+08:00

Adrenaline in my veins.

Today we had quite a proper technique class.

And a science class I quite liked. Though I really wasn't expecting that answer but as usual I think I just was thinking too much.

Waiting for the Chor Workshop people to finish class. It feels so weird that we're all in different classes, but I think I won't regret Pedagogy.

Learn what you want to learn Elizabeth Chan!

And I think Pei laoshi's enthusiasm and focus throughout the class makes it pass so fast! And I really felt like continuing today.

Maybe its just the feeling of learning something new, but her style is so different, and the exercises all so unexpected, that I'm really excited to learn the next exercise and do the next thing etc.

I can feel the tiredness slowly creeping into my thighs and lower body... and I feel like I'm kind of heavy now, like cannot jump, cannot lengthen my core... but in another sense I feel more grounded, a little bit more stable, a little more friendly with the floor... so yea.

There's homework to do. I think. But I'm not sure if it must be like WRITTEN homework but oh well let's see.

I think I'm learning to look at dance and myself and my learning from a different perspective... and although its kind of mind boggling and sometimes my mind feels like it can't take in so much like information overload, but then I just gotta remind myself to take things one step at the time and when it comes for the time to use it I can use it.

Instead of memorising everything for an exam then forgetting it all after.

I hope the things I'm learning now stay with me for the rest of my life. :)
Not how to write an essay, not how to get an A, but how to realise what cause leads to what consequence, to see the underlying purpose just by looking at the surface...

I know my brain, and my character, hinders me from expanding my reasoning and logic, my creativity and possibilities, but I hope to be able to break past those barriers some day. :)

And I'm really thankful for this opportunity to do so in APA.

"Whoever said sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain."
I won't let the weather run my life and my heart.
:)

2011-08-31T23:40:00.002+08:00

眼大无神

I think Ruimin is sleeping.

I may be moving to Wan Chai soon.

It scares me to think about moving. >_<

There's a lot to remember in school.

I'm afraid I will lose focus.

Tomorrow yummy breakfast and dinner.

I want to dance soon.

I want to dance in the sense that I am a dancer and I know how to dance.

Not like I am a student learning how to dance and I am trying how to figure my body out.

Year 4 already.

I've written many letters for people asking people for chances but I think I shouldn't ask for chances until I'm sure I can face each new opportunity with confidence and determination.

So cliche but I can't even do that now.

Not when I don't even like the way I dance.

Just the 2nd day of school. Everything's moving pretty slowly so not aching, but my head is going to burst soon.

Hahaha... I think I really hope to grow more as a dancer soon.

2011-08-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

有時候會看我打過的字說過的話
真的不知道要哭還是笑

我真的很奇怪
真的太～天真了

so白痴

2011-08-30T22:58:00.002+08:00

First day of Degree 2.

Just had technique, folk, shenyun and doc and tech.

With many long breaks in between...

Really too long.

And today we didn't dance much, didn't learn much, in fact I was so cold in folk I really think I should've worn a jacket.

But its true... these days won't last long. :) Rest is something we'd better appreciate while we have it. Though I am feeling fat fat fat. :p

There are only 8 people taking Pedagogy. Not that I regret my choice, because I don't know what in the world I would choreograph... but maybe I'm just not a small class person.

I like being a wallflower too much to be a professional performing arts student. -_-

Seriously.

So today I saw for myself the shift in the balance of dynamics between us.

It feels so forced, all of a sudden. Like we purposely control the distance and make sure everyone's happy...

But the thing is. Its impossible for everyone to be happy at the same time.

I have a responsibility towards you, even if you never felt that I lived up to it.

Sometimes we hurt each other, but I've had enough of that.

Today when he commented on the changes he saw, it suddenly realise that the change I was fearing all along had already happened in my heart.

I won't say I'm sad, because some things aren't worth being sad over.

I don't have a problem with anyone. And I know that if I ever do, its my responsibility to fix it or deal with it. A problem doesn't stay a problem unless you decide to let it do so in your life.

I'll just focus on passing each day. Maybe try to lose some weight, look a little more like a dancer and less like a holidayer. Hahaha...

I just think... I'm grateful for everything I have, and for everything I don't have. There is always things worth thanking God for and things to learn from those that seemingly aren't.

I hope I never forget that.

I don't even know how to verbally explain the changes that are, and honestly personal opinion and fact are not very clear in this case.

I'm just glad that school has finally started. And I hope the momentum carries me on, smoothly and far far into the future. :)

2011-08-28T22:52:00.005+08:00

這個世界男人是不是可以亂喝酒亂搞野亂玩女人
女人就永遠追著那樣的標準

除了肢體上得到的樂趣
生活裡面有沒有其他的樂趣呢

我知道生活裡除了喜怒哀樂
還可以經驗很多別的情感

可是我覺得
傳媒廣告什麼都好啦
為什麼要引人注意的時候
sex drugs and violence
就特別容易做得到呢

其實這些是我們人最基本的衝動
跟畜生沒什麼不同
不是嗎？

而能把人類和動物分辨的是心靈上的關係
吧

還是我太天真了

還是因為我沒有嘗試過
做違背我自己良心的事情

還是良心我把她看得太重要了

可是七十億人裡
只有一個像我一樣的陳美錡

大多數的人是往同一個方向想的話
那我又算是什麼

我可能只是覺得
為什麼
男人可以玩女人
女人可以玩男人
男人可以玩男人
女人可以玩女人
大家可以玩大家
認真可以變成玩
玩可以變成認真
你看我我看你
傷害你我對不起
從中學習
之後就什麼都可以
越玩越大

什麼都不是神聖的了
什麼都可以拿來玩
就是這樣
我玩你
你玩我
玩完找第二個

醉了累了
之後只剩下一條命
也拿來玩玩吧

我不是看不起誰
我只是在想
這樣的生活真的值得我去活嗎

應該是什麼都要試
什麼都要學
不是嗎？

我做過的選擇就因為沒膽子乖就是對的選擇了嗎？

那什麼又是對的什麼是錯的呢？

別人做的決定關其他人屁事
可是這個世界裡什麼都可以拿來講
八卦雜誌
不就靠別人的屁事才存在的嗎？

我常常說生活不只是有舞蹈
雖然要努力但除了跳舞
生活還有很多別的樂趣啊

其實
如果我就取代‘舞蹈’那兩個字
什麼都可以放進去啊

是不是生活就只有這麼多?

Without compassion, love, appreciation, consideration...
Anything goes.
And if anything goes, what purpose is there for the human life but to try the many different possibilities and limits of the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of the human body?

Maybe its because I'm in these surroundings that I will suddenly think of such a huge chunk of thoughts that I can't really make head or tail of.

Its the show that I'm watching.
Its the people that I know.
Its the stories that I hear.

I can choose to close my eyes and ears, but that would only be lying to myself.

I guess my question is, what is the point?

And the thing is, there is no use asking that question, because you'll never know the point until you experience it for yourself.

But for me, I'd like to think that there is more to life than simple enjoyment. The true happiness comes from something beyond humanity and the time that passes.

One day I hope I'll find a way to put it in words. But for now, I'm satisfied with what I have and I hope that I will only be better in the future.

As a friend, as a dancer, as a student, as a classmate, as a girlfriend, as a Christian, as a person.

Don't worry... nothing's happened.
I'm just running thoughts through my head. :)

2011-08-27T21:10:00.002+08:00

I have lost the blogging mood for good hahaha...

I remember when blogging used to be this really serious habit and I must at least blog once a day that kind...

I think I just found people to talk to liao haha...

But the standard of my English has dropped like crazy and I write like a primary 6 kid sigh.

So much has happened in these few months la I don't even know where to start.

Let's go backwards...

Ming just called me fat. T_T He said my face grew fat.

This is after Skinny and I had a meal of spaghetti carbonara and this huge chicken thing we couldn't finish at a really beautiful little italian restaurant in kowloon tong, Amaroni's.
The portions are huge, as are the prices, but I think the pastas are really good. :) Should try their fish and other pastas next time... :DDD

Okay so yea maybe I grew fatter after that sigh WHATEVER I know I should stop caring but I am obsessed and I'm not the only one so heck.

But I went to school yesterday and Pei laoshi got say I grew skinnier one!!! T_T maybe she was just trying to make me happy so that I will come to her technique class full of excitement and in a 'good mood' HAHAHAHA...

Sigh I am so out of shape I hope she can save me without me having to go through too much pain.

But the same rules apply to every new beginning: Elizabeth says she is gonna TRY HER BEST and BEAT THE REST hahaha yea right let's just try to make it on time everyday first alright.

(P.S. I'm really kidding about the beat the rest part okay. Deep down inside I know I'm only pretending to be a performer... just let me hide in my corner at the barre forever :p)

(P.P.S. Okay la its not that I don't like performing I just lack the confidence okay. I won't hide either. I think.)

Then last night we went to watch Bo Sir's piece which was a 20 min long contemporary chinese piece. I felt like many of the elements were really similar to other pieces I've seen, but who's to draw the line between creation and plagarisation anyway. Georgina was a really beautiful dancer to watch. :) Skinny and Zhenyang both improved quite a bit, whether it was in terms of the way they moved or the presence that they had onstage... even though one threw his umbrella away and one broke his but accidents happen la. I would know >_< and in all honesty I did feel like there were too many people onstage.

Like I felt like the same effect would've been achieved or would even have looked better if there were lesser people...

The other dances are not really worth talking about, much less paying for, but I know I would have regretted not going, so yea. :)

(argh shit at this point I remember the pile of clothes waiting to be washed back home. sigh.)

Then before that went to school to add some classes and meet the people/staff etc. Got some new people, even though no more diploma 1. I don't know how that works but okay... I just know the school fined me for registering late and I feel like punching that guy. Or writing a letter to complain about him but I just tell myself to not be such a nitpicky old woman and just leave it la. :p

So that was Friday. Thursday... OH thursday I watched Horrible Bosses with Tingyu Water and Skinny. :) Was nice just chatting with them and hanging out and stuff. :) And I'm glad they appreciate the humor la hahaha :p

Wednesday went to sing K with Debby Esther and Cat, met up for K Lunch and the food was not bad la. :)

Okay you see its getting shorter and shorter... I don't really remember already.

Anyway the point is I have been doing nothing but eating and not dancing or moving or doing any kind of exercise. -_-

Okay la I managed to surprise Skinny by coming back on Sunday which I like to think of as a personal achievement because its not easy tricking someone like him. Hahaha... So yay one for me. :p

Holidays are finally ending, which I'd like to believe and hope is a good thing, though I know you won't need to wait long to read posts where I rant about everyone and everything, and how all the dancing is suffocating me and I need to run away blah blah blah...

I hope this year will be better. In terms of dancing, in terms of learning, in terms of friendship and in terms of comfort. There are so many things changing around us all the time, we never know what's going to happen next... but I'm thankful I have someone to run to now. :)

Not that I never had someone to talk to, but I'm glad someone other than me is keeping my heart safe la. :)

Imma happy girl hahahaha.... :)

The only thing I need now is for all my friends, whether back home or here in Hong Kong, to be happy too. :)

2011-08-08T01:53:00.002+08:00

It has been one month, of which the majority we spent apart...

But I still feel like all this is so surreal, and that its too good to be true.

I just hope that we are really, meant to be. Though knowing that we'll both be putting in effort comforts me. :)

God bless us.

I'm so tired.

And I'm in so much pain.

This weekend when I go for class its like torture.

Even though I cut myself so much slack, especially like today I hardly ever did anything completely full out, but my muscles are still screaming in pain.

The pain is sucking the life out of me.

I don't know if sleep is enough rest.

But yet I want to do better...

I'm so dead next year. My dong bei yang ge is really shitty.

I can't get the shou jin to cooperate with me no matter what.

So dead.

2011-07-27T12:15:00.003+08:00

I haven't been blogging.

I don't really know what I want to talk about and how to go about saying it anymore...

The Shanghai trip was nice, saw many museums and different kinds of architecture. Ate good food, had a great time... but in a sense, it was relatively tame? Like normal. We didn't go skydiving or play at some theme park or go for a picnic in some forest.

We took walks in the park, looked at ancient chinese artefacts, bought books and frequented many pretty cafes, including Starbucks.

But it was very special and heartwarming to me. :) And I believe so for the both of us too.

Let's not go into dramatics or deeper issues... I think for now, we just cherish and support each other. Which is simple yet fulfilling enough for me. :)

Back in Singapore, I should be rushing to complete the choreo for my solo and get all nervous about the performances next week, but really... I think my heart is not in it yet. Not until we all come together and rehearse together, cos I'm such a lazy ass and I can't be bothered to motivate myself.

Teaching so far, has been nothing short of a nightmare, but it brings in cash, which is always good, as moneyminded as that sounds.

I don't know how to work with kids in a cca, that don't really care about dance. Gotta use recognition and exclusiveness to tempt and manipulate them into doing what you want, which sucks. And I have to raise my voice all the time, but its probably just I'm not used to it yet.

My friends are still the awesome people that they are, and I'm really thankful that even though I'm not around as often as we'd like, but they don't consciously or unconsciously distance themselves from me. I really enjoy their company and I really care and love each and everyone of them...

I think we're kind of twisted, in a sense. We can be together and laugh and talk endlessly, but deep down I think something in the balance has changed and we both know it. It saddens me a little but I understand its natural and I don't think its a 'bad' thing per se. And I still love you all the same. :) Change is constant, but I have certain beliefs that I try to stick by. And one of them is that you are a good person and an even better friend, and that you love me too.

I rarely say anything of real value now. I guess that says much about my thoughts. But oh well... I don't need to fill myself up with knowledge to understand and appreciate the beauty of life and the people around me.

I have faith, and if that alone is not enough, that's just the way I am.
I don't try to seek for evidence and doubt all to allow for more accurate analysis, because I simply believe I am happier that way.

I set myself goals and promise things to myself to make me become the person that I want to be. The worst person I can disappoint is myself.

So Elizabeth, you must really try harder.

Try harder in dance, try harder to be a better friend, try harder to be more sensitive and understanding, try harder to guide others, try harder to be more responsible and try harder to convince yourself that you need to try harder.

Being relaxed is all fine and good, but the lack of drive will make you miss out on alot in life. Not just a lot of success and recognition, but a lot of love, understanding and knowledge too.

I have 3 books to read this holiday. 2 are in chinese. >_<

This could be the 2nd last free day I have, though I believe that to be a good thing. :)

2011-07-12T23:25:00.002+08:00

What a surprise.

You can't make everyone in the world happy.

And whenever some change happens, people will use it as an excuse for present phenomena... but I guess I should've known better than to be surprised.

Eating like a pig... and not exercising.

I guess whatever la... sometimes you just gotta make your own decisions and create your own opinion no matter how many other opinions are blasting you from side to side.

You're important enough to me la. I guess this is just part of the sacrifice. And even though its not effortless but I think what I've gotten from it is worth this and so much more. :)

2011-07-10T08:25:00.002+08:00

I've been having a wonderful time so far... days filled with things to do with awesome people to hang out with...

I guess I'm just not used to it, and I don't really know what kind of a mentality I should be having to face him, but for now, I'm just amazed at how much I can smile, how happy I am just to spend time together.

I want to believe that this is very simple.

We're not simple minded creatures. Whatever we do, it is always possible that we have a motive or even multiple agendas... but I'd like to hope... just very simply, believe in you.

Maybe there's an element of fear, like taking a step into the very unknown, and me being me, I just decide to take things as they come, which doesn't always end well...

With a mind full of uncertainty and a heart that is overflowing with warmth, I wish I could just stay in the present... always.

I wonder what He wants me to get from this...
I think I realise... it is now that I need to be even stronger than before.

I feel like I'm holding on to the ghost of me... and my grasp is slipping...

2011-07-06T00:38:00.002+08:00

I'm happy that they're coming. :)

I'm happy that we're going to play. :)

Even if I'm surrounded by worries and problems... one ray of sunshine is enough to make me smile. :)

It may be superficial and selfish...

But I'm happy. :)

I wish everyone around me happiness too. :)

Positivity makes things possible.

2011-07-04T11:18:00.004+08:00

I am aching all over.

Okay la not that bad, considering what I've been through before *ahem*albert*ahem* but my butt and back very poor thing. :p

Today is Monday, they come on Wednesday. :)

The bbq is on Thursday and USS on Friday?

Gonna be quite happening... don't wanna expect too much also, just let everyone be happy and stress-free. That's what's a holiday is supposed to be for.

Haven't been dancing as much as I should have okay I feel guilty and out of shape hahaha...

School is just a nagging thought at the back of my mind....

Okay I should leave the house soon.

Oh yes. God bless all the sick people around. Hope you all get well soon!!!! :)

2011-06-29T21:38:00.002+08:00

Love going out with Rui Ling. :) Super relaxing and we can sit and read for very long and we just transit in and out of a conversation easily. :)

Can't wait for Friday though, even though some people are kind of busy, but well I'm glad I have this bunch of friends who cherish every minute that we have together. :)

Its not like they know every single detail of my life, or that I see them every minute of every day, but I would want to tell them everything that's happening to me and I would want them to tell me everything that's happening to them and I feel like we have a great friendship.

Certain things may happen or certain people may cause some kind of complication or deviation from our usualness, but I think what I've found in this bunch of people is understanding and the openness to accept everyone's flaws. We know we're imperfect people and we have problems all the time, but I love all of them the same. Because I put up with them and they put up with me. Hahaha...

And we're growing older, we're moving apart (I'm already apart from them most of the time) but I miss the times we spend together and no matter how difficult it is to arrange meetings together, we'll still try our best to coordinate it.

I guess I did complicate things a little by bringing people into my life or into the group, but sharing the changes in my life is something I feel is important, because it is what I would want them to do. Even though I never did expect certain things to turn out the way they did but I'm okay with it, and I'm sorry to those who aren't.

We all have our problems, the ones that stick to us for a very long time. But I think in the process of our daily lives, the laughter, the talking and the comfort of just being together is a little happy pill for all of us. And I really cherish what we have. :)

2011-06-24T11:09:00.002+08:00

Been sort of sick for the last few days, the worst of it is the never ending headaches and the painful swallowing...

The blocked/runny nose I can deal with because I get it 320 days each year, but resorting to panadol and pi pa gao to soothe my head and throat aren't really working. :/

Oh well... I really hardy get sick anyway. I guess I should thank God its the hols instead of school time where I have to drag myself to dance everyday.

Though talking about school, I really do miss it. I miss the classes and my classmates... the hanging around school and the to and fro from Lamma each day...

But I knew. I knew I would miss it.

Days like yesterday make holidays really awesome though. :) Hanging out with the Woodlanders...

So I'm not doing the nose op this year, cos apparently everything's really complicated and they have to break the bone to reset it, and take apart and rearrange all the cartilage inside, including extracting some from my ribs. And then refine everything and the whole process of healing will take a month or more.

I'm not looking forward to it. I remember the last time I had the jaw op, how dreadful the process of waiting for everything to heal was, how horrible I looked when I was swollen...

I really am dreading it. But well, get it over and done with... hopefully next year I can still go for the TNUA summer course. But we'll see. :)

So anyway now I know why I breathe so loudly and get blocked nose so often, because my airways are quite lopsided and everything is like crooked until very jialat... I have alot of faith in Dr Lee but I still am amazed by how screwed up I am hahaha...

I have nothing to do today... I feel like I should go out but I don't feel like going out hahaha...

Anyway I've been feeling really blessed lately. :) Thank God for everything, every person, in my life. I feel like I'm slipping back into passiveness... but I know better now. Maybe not a lot better but I think got a little little bit la hor. :p

2011-06-18T09:28:00.002+08:00

After a week of being at home, I finally feel like sitting down and blogging about it. (Actually its only cos the Malaysia Airlines website is not working and I'm trying not to tear my hair out cos of it)

Okay I book liao. Kinda nervous. Not sure if anything else will screw up... if so then GG la. WHATEVER LIFE'S LIKE THAT.

Hahaha I'm awesome at comforting myself. :p

This is the second summer holidays of my APA life, and so much has changed since I was 18 (omg wtfff why I so old).

Okay I wanted to take pictures from facebook budden I see see see then lazy to take so never mind la. HAHAHA.

Anyway, its cool :) All this change. All the happiness and the stressing out and the going through the 101 different kinds of situations have really taught me so much and shaped the way I now think.

I don't pretend to know a lot, I know my knowledge is very limited and my mind still quite narrow, but I always tell myself to be open to stuff, and most of the time it helps.

There's a lot going on inside my head, one cos my processor probably belongs in the 90s, and two because I just probably think too much in general... but the result of this is that I have very poor communication skills hahaha... plus if my emotions get in the way of the message that I'm trying to put across, the emotions are first priority and suddenly my mouth can't control itself anymore.

I really do think the sole purpose of why I blog is to spout complete nonsense.

What is the point in saying all this really? There is no point, but that's nothing new.

Checking up places to go in Shanghai... sometimes things really turn out different from you expect them... and people too. But people change and in return things change. I guess we just have to learn to adapt.

I've been having a totally relaxing holiday... to the point where I totally can't remember what I've been doing for the past week and I don't feel like going out cos of my annoying headache and sore throat.

When I'm happy I tumblr, when I'm sad I tumblr, when I'm angry I don't know what I do... blog? Yea poor blog, always the victim of my ranting.

No matter what.

I'm glad to be who I am, and I'm glad to have the friends that I do.

And I hope that no matter what kind of things I face in the future, I will always be able to 看开, and there will always be people supporting me. :)

Even if I walk down this road and am a total utter failure, I wanna be a happy failure hahaha....

Its naive I know, but I really don't want to hanker after success. I want to learn, be exposed to more... and in due time, His plan for me will roll out.

Don't be impatient Elizabeth. Remember what you believe in and remember why you believe in it.

I am always grateful to the people that I love, because even though it might not seem so, its not as easy as they say it is to love somebody. And to have that kind of a connection with others, its not to be taken for granted.

Your mind can convince yourself into having certain kind of mindsets and attitudes towards something, and I sincerely suggest you take a look and see if your attitude towards something is based on your love for others or your love for yourself.

Selfishness is a human trait, but so is kindness, and love, and empathy, and understanding. Its not like I'm expecting myself and everyone else to be perfect, but what's wrong with wanting to be a better person, and taking action to do so? Perhaps we think differently and have different perspectives about the same thing, but I can agree to disagree. Can you?

Right now I just want something to happen. May it be the op or the hongkongers coming or the shanghai trip, or the totally messy young talents showcase.

I want to do something with a purpose. A purpose greater than to fill up time.

Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully I don't fall full-blown sick. :(

2011-06-11T04:04:00.002+08:00

Why is it that it is only on the last day that I see the ugliest side?

Why are you so pretentious? Why are you so ready to let go? What do you hope to gain?

Why are you so eager to help? Why do you go to anyone who has a need?

Why do you say one thing but let them do another?

Is it because I can't accept their culture or is it because I'm too uptight?

I guess there are some things I should stand by, and by doing so, I've been disappointed tonight.

Know who you are. And I am not one of the handful. Thank God.

2011-06-10T20:21:00.001+08:00

Waiting to go to siu wai's party...

So school is out. :) But somehow I feel like I wish I had more time...

The past few weeks, I've probably been in the process of changing, though into what I'm not sure.

Perhaps, I should look forward to these changes rather than being scared of them. :)

But the insecurity is still there.

I don't know what will happen tonight, or tomorrow night. All I know is that I feel like there's something in the air, and I'm waiting...

This school year hasn't been a bed of roses, the dancing has been torturous and painful, and honestly I don't think I reaped much... but one thing that makes up and beyond for all of it is the great friendships that have developed.

From not being able to talk to them, to questioning their behaviour and mindsets, to understanding them, to accepting them... I've come to love many of these Hong Kongers too. :) There are good and bad people everywhere you go, and to be honest, I truly believe in the meant to be.

And I thank God for every meant to be friend, because farewells and distance won't destroy what we have. :)

I thank God that I've come to love what I once hated, yet again.

Oh, I dyed my hair but its quite invisible. :p

I feel this emotion coming back... a little scared but I'll be a little more in control this time. I hope.

10pm come soon.

我是不是太相信你了？

2011-06-07T06:51:00.002+08:00

Its been too long since a proper blog post. -_-

I'm going to the beach today! I'm gonna rehearse today! Excited for both, dunno how they're gonna turn out, dunno which is gonna happen.

Just a few more days to home sweet home.

:) bittersweet, as usual.

2011-06-06T03:26:00.002+08:00

Its 3:27 at Shenzhen and Skinny and I can't fall asleep so we're next to this little boy playing soccer on the computer and another middle aged man typing on the keyboards...

So...everything's over.

Well okay not everything, but most of this year is over. I feel like I've waited so long for this moment, but when its finally here... I... kind of don't want it to end. :)

I guess we all grow attached, just as we all will drift away... the only thing that is similar is probably the time.

It gets tiring, the meeting, the growing a fondness for, the leaving, the absence, then the whole thing repeats itself again.

Its so weird typing this.... skinny is staring at the screen and the soccer boy has turned his attention to mine....

Hello I can see you staring. =_=

Hahahaha okay I'll be done soon.

Anyway i have been very absent online but everything will return to normal soon.

Though whatever normal is... I'm not so sure anymore... :)

2011-05-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

好想哭噢...

可是

你觉得現在眼泪有用吗陈美錡？！？！？！

2011-05-31T22:36:00.002+08:00

I don't know who to trust.

Right now, at this moment, I am the most confused I have been in a long long time.

Had a really shitty run. Plus after that got 'advising' from my classmate that was mostly talking about how I have this brain that I don't use, and I'm just learning steps like a robot without digesting it.

Which is something similar to what I've heard from my teachers la. I'm a passive learner and my progress is too slow and all that crap.

And I know its true. I know my mind is rather slow, especially compared to my peers and friends. I may be okay with reading and memorising stuff but when it comes to my own body and dancing I'm not as great as I'd like to be.

Sure I have those damn facilities that people would murder for. But like he said, its a waste on me.

What a waste.

I don't even know whether to take him, and the rest of the world seriously and sit down and rethink my whole 'dream' of dancing.

Or should I just stuff all their opinions back up their own noses and go on doing my own thing.

Its so contradicting. Art and performance are so contradicting.

Still, I have yet to see anyone appreciate my kind of art hahahaha... especially not myself ohgawd I look so disgusting on video. No turnout, movements look so half-hearted and I got this expression of a tortoise.

Okay I might be exaggerating.

But at that moment, when I was already disappointed with myself for falling from my ban hou tui AGAIN (which is only like everysinglefuckingtime I do it) I had to hear all that come from a peer whom I find very difficult to respect.

That said, I still do respect everyone in this industry whether its a teacher, senior, peer, junior or student, which is why it is bothering me so.

You think I want to be stupid? You think I want to make mistakes? I don't blame anyone for my own mistakes.

I hate Lumi cos she plays mind games and I've had enough of her high pitched screams of MEI QI this and MEI QI that.

I don't know la!!!!!!!!

Anyway I suck at dancing suck at choreographing I don't know whyyyyy I just do, and just when I started finding it fun to dance again (because we have NEW stuff to do) I feel like the whole world's come crashing down again.

I've had it of feeling like shit. I say this a million times but a million more times it happens.

This poor blog has been reduced to like a ranting place for me to dump all my anger and disappointment on myself.

What a waste, really.

The thing is, I really don't know how to think for myself. If I knew I wouldn't be led around by the nose by different people. If I knew, I could decide who to trust, instead of not trusting anyone.

Sounds dramatic but you never know. Everyone has a hidden agenda, even if they themselves don't know it.

So I've always been alone not because no one wants to come near me, but because I don't want people to come near me.

Okay I'm like digressing, but anyway, I've decided that I don't know about the future, but for tomorrow, all your harsh words and criticism can go to hell.

If you don't know how to fix a problem, don't harp on it, since you're just proving yourself as brainless by repeating the obvious.

If I fall again, (as I surely will) it is because it is too long. I suggest you change cast even, since I can't do it. Or change action. Or don't change and watch me fail.

Not that you aren't used to watching me screw up your pieces.

I have big huge doubts for Young Talent Showcase.

I have big huge doubts about myself.

When can I be proud of myself?!?!?! Can it please be soon.

And I don't mean full marks for music test or anatomy homework.

Something that can be used to earn money please. Let me not be useless.

Please.

2011-05-21T23:48:00.002+08:00

Met Ah Liang and Yongyong and her mum today.

Finally bought my watch. :D

And a dress. >_<

Haha okay la time for some shopping la.

After rep I'm gonna dye my hair.

Sometimes change is good hahaha...

Tomorrow wear nicer a bit, maybe I won't always be such a grouch.

Re-choreo my Autumn. Cannot tahan the old one. :p

Can't wait to see Yongyong and Ivonn they all again. :D

Major holiday mood coming on!!!

Oh and... time to lose some weight. -_-

2011-05-20T18:23:00.002+08:00

I dunno maybe I should try to change cos like that means the way I am now cannot la.

Then I thought I tried changing liao but apparently not enough or not in the right way or both la.

Then now I don't know if I should change even more or actually in the beginning I've never changed before.

It may all sound very nonsensical... like change what do what why you talking like some weirdo, but even though I am HAPPY with the way I WAS, I am not who I was now and whatever I was last time and whatever I am now, its not what the HKAPA chinese teachers want.

THEN WHAT YOU WANT seriously.

Its not the first time I've thought of switching streams cos I can't stand the way chinese dance works, or the way the teachers think.

Its not totally traditional pedagogy but for goodness sake I can never understand what they mean.

Maybe its cos I'm stupid, maybe its cos our frequencies don't run on the same line, but can't you just say out what you want huh?

Anyway personally if I were my own teacher I would know I'm a very mediocre dancer too.

I've improved but its not enough...

I really... know its true but how can I change that?

How can I be what you want me to be?

Why must I be what you want me to be?

Cos we both want the same thing?

We both want me to be a better dancer?

The thing is, I can't teach myself so I can't help myself improve and apparently, you can't either.

I don't know la...

Its not like I don't try, even if I know I don't try my hardest.

How sad, that by working on what I'm passionate about, I can't be happy all the time.

My puny brain cannot take this much info.

I just feel so angry at them, so disappointed in myself and so frustrated that I'm not who I want and who they want me to be.

This sem is over soon, thank God.

I need to leave this place to see clearly.

Or maybe I will never see clearly.

Jiu wo.

2011-05-20T10:23:00.002+08:00

说中了我已经知道的话，我怎么还有那么大的打击呢？

Advising just now, heard some things I didn't want to hear.

I guess I know some of it is the truth, but I don't know if I should trust her totally.

The people whom she says have improved more are not the kind of people I want to be like.

Maybe I really am not suited for chinese dance.

Maybe I really am much more immature than I thought.

Maybe all along I thought I was watching others when actually I was living in my own shallow shallow world.

As long as I'm happy... is it right to stick to this?

Right now I feel like such a piece of crap.

Just need to calm down and think it through.

Just need to calm down.

I think now, I'm pretty disappointed with myself.

But life goes on. Emotions like disappointment don't serve any purpose for anything anyway.

Just continue to look forward to the holidays and not worry about school cos I'm weak that way.

2011-05-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

Quick blog post cos I have a million other things to do tonight which I'm not doing yet even though there's technique exam tomorrow because I'm on Facebook and reading blogs etc yea we're all computer addicts and also I have missed my macbook dearly, especially with all the Mac stuff everywhere in Macau.

Macau was weird, boring, but also very interesting.

I think the thought for today is: Stop thinking about what you are missing or have missed out of, and work for tomorrow, taking in as much as you can.

Somehow I kind of wish that I had this mind that I have now when I was much much younger, in secondary school maybe, so that I could have made full use of my youth.

I mean, not like its over, but I think I only have 2 more school years left and that's so sad....

Other than the fact that I never ever thought working was fun, I want to try different kinds of learning environment and meet different people.

Even though I hardly ever speak to anyone whom I went with to Macau, I think its always interesting to see how different people can be, and to figure out how and why they think that way.

Even though it may seem like I enjoy judging people, I think what I mean is like, I'm seeing so much more...

Even though I'm happy with a simple life(I really am), I love learning and seeing new things too...

So I think its time to stop moaning about how I started dancing so late and how I can never be compared to the best. I am who I am now, but I also have the potential to be better.

I want to dance better, to get more opportunities to see more, to dance more different type of dances.

I'm seeing more and more younger people who are so good. Not only so good at what they do but also they know so much about other things. I know barely nothing other than dance. Maybe I make fewer grammar mistakes and I like to read superficial fiction but other than that I'm quite clueless about anything other than dance.

And even though there are those who think it should be enough, because some people don't even have the chance to do what I have done, I don't think I should think its enough.

In all my living years, I hope to know more and more, and then I will truly experience the saying: the more I see, the less I know. :)

Okay I'm so dead its 9.30 and I haven't finished my paper. -_-'''

2011-05-12T01:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know who you are anymore, just feel like I'm a bother and you're right.

Exams coming soon. We're all busy studying.

I just want to go home, take a long long break from all this monotony.

I hope whatever I have studied stays in my brain please.

I want to go backpacking and hiking and cycling and I don't want to stay in one place and rot rot rot.

But I know I need to be patient and absorb first and be a good student first.

I don't know why I feel so irritated and frustrated but I do and the best solution is to go and sleep.

I feel like I need to apologise for being a bad friend, a bad student, a bad classmate, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad person.

But I'm not gonna do that tonight, cos all I wanna say is f you. I'll be a good person some other day.

2011-05-05T21:25:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged for a long time... I have lots of things to say, but every time I look at this blank box I can't remember...

I must warn people when I sleep in the same room with them, and people who interact with me in the beginning of the month.

Maybe also because its a bad time, with all the assignments and exams nearing, I'm particularly stressed out.

But sometimes I get really tired of the sound of my own voice complaining about the same things over and over again... and even though I really do question myself every time I want to lose my temper, it still doesn't prevent me from getting angry again.

Like you know I dislike my technique teacher so much, its not that she's a BAD teacher, maybe she's just not the right teacher for me...

I know, where got such thing right, as a student its my responsibility to absorb as much as I can from every teacher and do the best I can.

Interestingly enough, a teacher can't pick her students, but the students can (sort of) pick her teacher. Like, its more possible for students to complain about the teacher rather than vice-versa?

I guess, because I am confident in that I have a mind of my own and I know how to judge what is good and bad, whenever she says something or does things that I think is bad, I believe I have a right to get angry...

But the fact is, my mind or my perspective may be biased and wrong right?

Perhaps if she praised me every class instead of scolding me every class, I would not be biased towards her.

In fact, if I got an A in every class, opportunities to go overseas and represent the school outside school, and tons of scholarships and encouragement from the teachers, I would probably think APA is heaven.

But the reality is, I am a mediocre dancer. I forget faster than I remember, lack control of my body and am way too conservative as a performer.

So I don't deserve such a treatment, even if it were remotely possible.

I'm biased, we all are.

Even if my own mother nagged after me everyday, I would not look forward to seeing her face everyday too.

Oh man... talking about my mother, its Mothers' Day this Sunday. To all the blessed people who have the fortune of being with your mum on this day, please make your mummy feel loved. :) I wish I had the opportunity.

But its okay, I'm going back in a month plus a bit. I don't know what I'm specifically looking forward to, perhaps I just want to leave this atmosphere.

The people I know all know dancing professionally is anything but easy, but I don't think you'll really understand the extent of the misery until you experience it for yourself. And even those who have studied dance full-time but never had the (mis)fortune of being able to do so overseas, in a big dance school or a big dance company, it'll be difficult for them to sympathise with what we're going through.

The vital point here is that I'm not someone fitted for this job. Maybe I can blame it on the way I was brought up, or some chromosone in my genetic make up, but I don't like the spotlight, and I don't like having to try my best to stand out because I DON'T WANT TO STAND OUT I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY DOING WHAT I LIKE DOING, BY. MYSELF!!!!!!

But no. As a dancer you are sort of supposed to stand out and push past your boundaries etc etc etc.....

好辛苦啊....

Hahaha Lo Sir is so retarded.

Wa....

I dunno la. I officially think too much liao. Just let me do all my homework, and dance happily.

Even though I know that these few weeks, 'happy' will not be on my mind, but oh well... keep going elibird, keep going...

No matter what the people around you say, don't let yourself be affected, because you are yourself, and ou don't need to answer to anyone if you don't want to, not your family, not your friends.

Maybe I'm getting used to being alone (or maybe I miss being alone)... there are many things I rather not share with others, because I don't want to hear what they have to say about it, or even worse, ignore it.

I miss eating at home.

I can't wait for June.

2011-04-18T20:03:00.008+08:00

When the first time I blog in a long time is a meme, you know I have nothing better to do.

Actually I do. I have chor to think about, and research paper to think about, and I am refusing to touch the both of them like the procrastinator I am. :p

Write a letter to:

Your Best Friend

I srsly gotta cut down on my spending... T_T

---

Your Crush

YOU'RE AN AWESOME DANCER OMG.

---

Your parents

Mummy Daddy I miss you! :(

---

Your sibling (or closest relative)

All the best for your SYF and Os! :D

---

Your favorite internet friend

More like you're almost my only internet friend hahaha but even more so you're my awesome friend so, lots of <3!!! :D

---

A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

I wish I knew you more. Your life story sounds like a novel.

---

The person you miss the most

Its sad to know that I'm not missed, but that's life ey? :)

---

Your reflection in the mirror.

you could really do with a little less chocolate.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

Anyway Shenzhen was okay. Don't really like the place but liked the people I went with... they were a right laugh. :)

Had a lot of fun, even though usually I would be damn pissed by the place and the people there. :p

Thanks to Jim who took care of us at his place. :)

Went to watch Sex and Zen with a whole bunch of my classmates/streammates today... really not very good movie, but i guess it was an eye opener. -_- Lots of gore too, which was really gross. Ergh.

Just two more school days to Taiwan! :D I would be happier but I think next month my expenses are seriously in jeopardy...

I wish there were better libraries in Hong Kong... :(

I miss home...

Really wish I had the weekends to go home.

And I think... I'm a difficult person to get along with sometimes. -_- My character kind of unfriendly and gu pi, especially among these bubbly people... sometimes I feel like I very spoilsport. :(

Oh well...

2011-04-11T08:22:00.002+08:00

A little more than one week to Taiwan.

*ignores the homework and presentations due

Just observing a little change online... and I think its the biggest irony ever. But I'm glad things changed the way they did.

I'm fine where I am. Having to find a completely new goal is okay, as long as I have one.

It hurts sometimes. But that's the price to pay I guess. You can't have all the roses if you can't deal with a bit of thorns.

2011-04-02T21:28:00.013+08:00

HELLO COMPUTER I HAVE MISSED YOUUUU!!!! :D

Hahaha back in Hong Kong after a week in Macau. A very interesting week that I'm glad to have been able to experience. :)

The performances were great. The rehearsals were quite sucky la, and actually every performance there was some mistake or other too, but bo pian la, call me a slacker but I really think we did a good job for 2 weeks of rehearsals only lo.

Loved being backstage, they had everything, a marquee on stage right and stage left for the girls to change in (the guys just changed wherever hahaha), a table for hair stuff (with different kind of pins, hairnet, hair gel, hairspray, water in the squeezy bottle so your lipstick doesn't run, combs, conditioner to make the wigs smoother), all the props were preset backstage at easily accessible areas, wardrobe people to help with quick changes...

Nice. :)

Plus the emcees were really good. Can see the guy is totally used to dealing with students hahaha...

I will miss dancing those dances... I will miss watching Mulan. I will miss feeling damn high when I'm dancing Travel, high until i forget steps. -_- That actually did happen.

I will miss that 'YES!' feeling when I don't wobble for kong zhi. -_- hahahaha...

The performances were good, the only time I felt like PRESSURE was the last show where some teachers from APA came to watch, but before that I felt super nervous too.

When I'm nervous I can't stand properly seriously. Even doing one feng huo lun I can wobble also. Quite power.

And backstage, I really will miss the 四朵金花 and their nonsense and the laughing until crying... XD Mankwan, Banban, Kukli and Hoitung are really... amazing hahaha...

I will miss the wearing the HKDC jacket everywhere.

Our long table where we all sat doing our makeup and talking and reading gossip tabloids (and for me my book) and eating cake cake cake.

I was really impressed by the way they always had a bus to fetch us everywhere. And it would come on time and stuff, I dunno I just followed...

And after the first day I realised quite pointless to go out during lunch to buy food cos we all eat super heavy buffet breakfast every morning (T_T I will miss you my delicious croissant and all the other yummy fooood..... ) so by 1pm we're not that hungry yet and if we go out there is nowhere nearby that is like a fast food place or a foodcourt or a char can teng. And I don't wanna walk forever to eat at a japanese restaurant.

Even though I did manage to order a zhu pa bao one day with the seniors, but other than that I just ate stuff I bought from the supermarket near the hotel. :D

Class everyday was really just for warmup. The longest we had was like one hour and the shortest like a bit more than 1/2 hour only. And it was ballet everyday. On one hand, glad to do ballet again, but then I would've liked to do some new chi dance exercsies too, since I never ever ever ever have the opporrtunity to. :)

Pictures of class!

Barre.

Wu lou c has an awesome jump hahaha...

Star jump that I do not know how to do.

Nice! Me, Peggy, Eunice and Nat Chung... too bad timing and arms not together...

Zhan Qian super flex.

Hahahaha Ah Ken trying his hardest...

Ho Ho Fei and Yang Yun Tao :D

Mirror barre

While rehearsing. erm... at least I'm not shaking la. -_-

Aerial splits yo.

Lai Ming Jie! :D

The 2 ballet princesses :D

This is rehearsal.

I think this is a cool picture but not a cool pose. -_-

JUMP!

ey ey check out the freaks (and the slackers behind) hahaha...

eunice super spoil market. -_-

beautiful pink lines hahaha

Yea. So that was class...

I dunno why there's no link to share an album of photos on Facebook anymore, but most of my pictures are on Esther's page cos she brought her laptop.

I dunno if people who aren't her friends can see but oh well I don't wanna double upload either hahaha...

I went for a bit of sightseeing, we didn't have much time... but I saw St. Paul's ruins or something at night, went to the Venetian twice, went to Kunya street to buy all the food (can't wait to give them hahaha I miss my friends here :D)...

But the time that I loved the most, was when I went out or stayed in our room with just Skinny and Esther. We talked about alot of random stuff but I think its a nice chemistry between the three of us. :) Like something I have with the other 3 girls (ruimin zixin tingyu), but of course much more different.

But its still that 'really happy to see them and be with them' feeling... even though the 3 of us are more like old people, one forever on the com, one forever reading and one forever sighing, but its really nice when we go out for walks or to see the golden sand circle in Casino Lisboa, or when we're just in our room watching Man VS Wild and squealing at the worms and the eyeballs whatever... hahaha....

It was nice. :)

The whole trip was nice.

Along the way there were times when I was really nervous, or really disappointed with myself... and that same question kept going round and round in my head, whether I really dislike performing, or I'm just scared of it? And Skinny said something that really made me think. In fact he said many things that really made me think... but its all things that I already know, its just that his reminder really....erm... reminded me. -_-

Why do I let myself be scared and run away from things instead of not caring and just trying?

Why do I let myself change my no into a yes?

Hmm...

Production week ahead. Scared....

2011-03-28T02:10:00.002+08:00

It's not a bad thing to want to be happy.

I hope you are all happy people.

Missing many things, whether I smile or sigh when I remember, I'm thankful for the memories. :)

Tomorrow, Macau.

In a way I've never felt more accomplished, more excited since the beginning of this year. But then again sometimes I feel alone.

Its lonely at the top of the bull. I'm not sure that's where I want to be, and I'm not sure if its bad of me to be unsure.

I can take care of myself. That's what I've been doing since I came here. It may not be what I want, but I have the ability to do it and I apply it.

My luggage is sort of overflowing....

2011-03-24T10:46:00.001+08:00

really tired.

cannot blog properly.

too many things in my head.

Nat Chung and the other ballet people are crazy good.

sometimes I really feel ashamed to call myself a professional dance student.

today costume run.

tomorrow first period.

im hungry.

2011-03-22T23:41:00.002+08:00

Its late and I really should be getting to bed.

But I'm feeling a bit lonely and a bit homesick.

Also a bit tired and stressed out.

Worrying about remembering the steps for the Macau show, remembering the changes made in class, just doing everything right la.

I really feel like letting go of everything and not worry about my horrible short term memory so much but I know now is definitely not the time.

Its awkward. To be given this huge opportunity. I don't know how to talk about it, and I can feel the weird tones that people use because I'm the one in my shoes. And the thing is, I do care.

And I don't want to think like f you la I got it so suck it up. I know its by pure luck that we have this chance, and there are so many benefits, and I don't know how to deal with it.

And just nice this is the period that lumi is starting to pick on me, telling me things to piss me off on purpose so that I will supposedly do better, but I really am too tired and bored to do so.

School is boring. Especially the closer we get to the exams the more we repeat everything. I understand the need for it but I don't enjoy it.

Especially when in like folk class and technique class and in many classes we're just repeating what we did since the beginning of the year.

I know every dancer has a love hate relationship with dance, but it scares me sometimes, how intense the hate can be.

And I probably need friends who have things other than dance on their minds to hang out with, because I don't know, there's more to life than dance?

But who bothers about my moods, there's poor Japan and the conflict in Libya and all sorts of bad stuff happening in the world.

Sometimes I really can't help but think if the world ended in 2012, it would be for the better.

All human beings are capable of are hurting each other. I have not seen many sacrifices made for other people in this industry. Everything is about me me me me being the top me being the best me being the lead etc.

Wonderful culture.

I dunno. I just really need to sleep and sometimes I wish I had someone who was willing to sacrifice everything for me. Hahaha I'm such an oxymoron, but it would be nice to not be obsessed with the idea of perfection and quality and stuff.

我也想活得太开心...
可能我是想念那些过得太开心的日子吧...
有了梦想，其他的都失去了
值得吗?

2011-03-17T07:26:00.002+08:00

I might be thinking things too thoroughly... then again, based on the way I usually don't think before doing things, I suppose it should be encouraged.

Rehearsal last night was tiring and frustrating, but not in the non-stop dancing way. We did kong zhi and learnt this new dance which is damn difficult cos its jazz but plus all the shou jing hua things. -_-

I hate shou jing.

I'm really sleepy now, but I got 10 more mins before I need to leave e house. :(

Sometimes I don't know if I have this really dark evil side that is seeping through whenever certain things happen. I just have a really bad feeling that one day I'll become thoroughly evil and mean. :(

Eh... weird to talk about but I think I might have become someone I don't like.

Okay many sad faces but no today is okay, just one dance class.

I hope miao zu is nice. :)

I hope the weekend comes real soon.

Jiayou Elibird! Chiong past Friday and you'll be safe! :D

(next week though, you may die)

2011-03-16T14:16:00.002+08:00

lunch post.

Sitting on the green bench, looking at people walking past...

Lots of contemplative posts after the japan disaster...

Life could be better...

But i suppose,
it will do for now. :)

Except i really wish my blister would stop reopening. -_-

2011-03-15T23:48:00.002+08:00

Blogging while waiting for my clothes to finish washing, which is soon...

Once I finish hanging them up I'll sleep immediately...

So the rehearsals have started, they've been efficient and productive and not so tiring yet...

Learnt a retro dance thing and a jazz piece, really pei fu the jazz teacher. She's not young anymore but she still got the 'seh' and all... :D

And its really fun to learn new dances and dance genres, even if its a bit stressful to remember and learn really fast. :)

I hope my energy can last me these few weeks. :) But I'm really happy and lucky to be a part of it. :D

Pan Zhi Tao laoshi came today, and he gave a talk about Chinese Folk Dance that I felt was short, sweet and very entertaining. :D

He says what makes Chinese Folk Dance so, are three things:
1. It is geographically specific (this is understood)
2. It existed in the past all the way to the present. Because those that existed in the past is Classical dance, and those that exist in the future are Contemporary dance hahahhaa...
3. It is created, performed, and passed down by their own people.

And his talk really makes me wanna go visit the ethnic groups in China. Like live with them for a short while and experience their lives. :) I hope I have the chance to do that one day. :)

Okay clothes done. Blog about Pina Bausch another day. :)

2011-03-13T17:44:00.002+08:00

Elizabeth is in the toilet now.

Rlizabeth and Ruimin are going to watch a show at TST later, hope its not boring.

oh no Elizabeth is out

Elizabeth loves Ruimin a lot.Yes she does, she love Ruimin more than chocolate mochi

2011-03-13T17:24:00.002+08:00

Wordbites:

-I sprained my neck in Jazz Funk. Which is hilarious because I didn't even sprain my neck in wazu. -_-

-I cut my hair. Its still long. My fringe is still unsavable.

-I miss my Singapore friends too much. Haven't talked to them properly in so long.

-I have blisters from being a smartass and wearing heels I should NEVER WEAR AGAIN. -_-

-Open day was nice. :) Performance was okay la I dunno why I so not in the hyper mood today. Maybe I ate too much for breakfast. :p

-I love IU, the singer. She has a very comfortable yet powerful voice and her songs are nice. :)

-Ruimin is gluing my boots.

-Retarded slanted line FTW. :D

-Ruimin is talking nonsense again. She will never cut her hair short. OMG then she says her hair is short already. (it is not)

-She asks me not to mention her HAHAHAHA she knows me so well.

-I think Zu You does Ba Lang nicer hahaha but ruimin thinks otherwise haha we are not that similar after all. But I mean it like as a dancer not just as a friend or a junior. Sorry M. But Li De is as awesome as ever :D Although he v sian cos huang tai hou take away his thing but then you're still my OUXIANG!!!! :DDD Wa his tao li bei zu he is so nice so nice so nice....

-I am going to watch my class videos. I think I may give up on dancing after this. :(

-I really miss dancing in huay kuan. Like, really really miss. :(

-Tomorrow start rehearsals. Die.

Which is worse?

2011-03-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

A good musician with a lousy instrument, or a lousy musician with a good instrument?

Ran through the Open Day sequence today, saw lots of really cool stuff my seniors and peers and juniors did. I really feel like a kid watching big ge ges and jie jies dancing... -_-

I've never been a dancer that knows her own body, or that even fully utilizes it. I say that I enjoy the sensation of dancing, and I enjoy learning, but how do I balance it out so that I still dance while learning the steps?

I should be called 虛錡 instead of 美錡, I think my body is in a constant halfway state. Its not in any state yet, its just left someplace and not reached its destination and no one knows how long this journey will take and this is my life and it shows in my dancing.

And its pretty clear that I have no idea what my destination is too.

I'll try. I'll try to not get tired from the constant trying and struggling to win the battle against my own stiffness and looseness and instead really stretch myself out.

There's a whole lot of rubbish distracting me from the main point. A whole load of crap outside the studio that affects me. Inside the studio mind games are forever being played and its up to me to choose what character I am to be.

Sometimes I feel so sick of these stupid games. Like please take your attitude and shove it up whoever else that gives a damn cos I don't.

But nah. I just say that in my head, and another voice inside says you're lying.

I wish I didn't care.

Despite hating having to put on a positive face and a positive attitude in class when seriously sometimes its the last place I want to be, or when I cannot get something right, or when I'm simply not in the right mind to focus, all I want is to be a human being and take a break from the madness inside and go outside.

Go outside to the streets where I can feel the wind and the sun instead of looking through the glass to all the people walking on the ground and feeling like why am I caged in?

You see, it is easy to ask these questions on my blog, or to my close friends, but the circumstances in reality are very different.

Why do I even feel that way? I am on the inside because I wanted to come in. I didn't want to wander outside anymore because I felt like I finally found a place that I belong in.

So the thing is, do I continue to be a responsible person and uphold my commitment no matter what, or do I walk out, and leave the place I've worked hard to get into?

I can understand why I have that feeling sometimes, because I'm a runner and I run away from everything. Run away from confrontation, from anger, from negativity, from boredom.

But then again if I really had that kind of freedom (which in itself would be amazing because what have I done to deserve such freedom?), will I be the same me, standing on the streets looking into the glass, wishing I was at the barre staring back at the me down there?

That would be pointless wouldn't it?

Because even though its difficult, and tiring, and oh so frustrating with all the silly words flying around.... I know I have gained as much as I have lost.

Even if I do see a lot of judgement,
a lot of quick, angry words,
a lot of sneering and smirking,
a lot of snapping and sighing,
a lot of shouting and slamming,
even if all of that is directed at me...

I have learnt understanding,
learnt how to hold my tongue,
learnt how to tolerate all that,
and still know when to be a part of all that.

Masks are a recurring topic in my compositions and posts...
sometimes they are dead obvious,
other times I only realise their presence when I look back.

It is a part of growing up - realising things are never as they seem - and learning how to be a part of it is a lesson I never wished for...

But it is a life skill. And this is life.

I think I don't make sense a lot of the time, but writing things out helps me keep my mind organized.

I am extremely forgetful. And I have an uncontrollable selective memory.
That is, I can learn a set of movement pretty fast, if I focus. But tomorrow I will definitely forget it, unless I practice it a few times after class, which I don't.

I am not a proactive student. I tend to get angry when I am compared with others, as in, anger is the way I deal with competition. And remember what I do in the face of anger? I run away. I think 'wth who cares if her leg is higher than mine I already know I suck shut up la'. And I don't really try to get any higher. In fact, if I am in a perticularly bad mood, I may lower my leg a bit just to make my teacher go crazy. :p

But there is an exception: if I see the difference, and no one says it to me, I might take the opportunity to push myself a little more. Its like a question to myself 'I wonder if I can get a bit higher, like her...?' Rather than a immediate 'okay let's not try and be a kid and fight about high legs thanks', when we all know who's the real kid. :p

Also, I forget dates and numbers and events especially easily and if you need proof you can go ask Ruimin.

I am a dreamer.

11:11

......

I am a dreamer. I have many ideas, they come at the worst of times. When I am watching a show, when I am showering, when I am about to sleep (!!!), when I am on the ferry etc. And I get very excited about them! I lengthen and fill them up and then I tell someone (usually ruimin). And that's the end point.

I am not very interested in the real details. Like if I say 'hey! one day when we all graduate we can go california to play in the biggggggg disney world or whatever!', I really do mean it. That idea makes me very very happy. :D But, when it comes to the actual planning, the saving of the money, the booking of the flight tickets and the arranging of the time and stuff... it becomes tedious and boring. For me.

Anything that is tedious and boring takes a lot out of me. It takes alot for me to carry and persevere through it, or alot for me to convince myself that it is not boring, so it is worth all the work.

I'm still trying.

As you already know, dear blog reader, I complain a lot.

But I'd like to suggest that I do not complain too much. There are somethings not even worth me talking about but there they go running their mouths off about it again.

And I may not mean what I complain. If I complain of aches I know it is a temporary state. If I complain of boredom during the holidays I know its is a temporary state. If I complain of tiredness I know it is a temporary state.

But it is human to complain. So bear with me, kindly so.

My first instinct to anger (directed towards me) is anger (in return). So if you snap at me, or shout at me, or roll your eyes at me, I might walk away (or slap you, but I am hardly that dramatic).

I believe that anger is a result of a lack of control. Like a tantrum, or a fall. I know not everybody has great control over their emotions but whoever screams in my face really doesn't deserve any respect from me, no matter how long their CV is. Not that they can use my respect for anything practical, so they might not care.

But it is amazing to see such uncontrolled fully grown human beings, I think it is funny sometimes, resulting in laughter or bitten down smiles at the worst of times.

But then again the title of Queen of Bad Timing has already been taken.

Sorry Your Majesty.

I have been babbling for too long about nothing. Whoever reads until this sentence is quite amazing.

Give yourself a pat on the back!

Or give me a virtual high 5. :p

FIIIIIIIVEEEE~~~~ :D

2011-03-10T22:12:00.002+08:00

hi nat. I forgot your dog's name and i bet you haven't read my blog in years. :)

Ruimin is a weirdo please shaddup you are freking me out. Omg i mean freaking wth is freking anyway?

I am too full leh... :( touchscreen qwerty keyboards are ew.

Technique classes have not been awesome, or utterly crappy. :l

Ruimin is being damn paranoid i dunno what's her prob. Then she not scared lumi think she v za meh? You are a weirdo, and i am too full. Ruimin is stuffing me to death and later still got choc cake omg kill me now i think i forgot how to use punctuation.

Ruimin is awesome at ignoring me and i suck at ignoring her.

Omg she is shutting down her com why why why stop it!!!

-_-

Stop being scared for tomorrow you are freaking me out.

Btw ruiling we emailed e hostel to book le, they havent replied yet.

Btw aaron i v long never talk to you liao.

Btw zu i had a relatively better class today but who knows about tomorrow? Only heaven knows...

Oh she restarted her com.

Oh why am i stuck with such a creepy person everyday?

And she thinks i am talking about someone else but NO i am talking about you li ruimin! >_<

I wanna sleep now...:(

I wanna watch secret garden...

We gonna surprise tingyu later and if she reads this its not gonna be a surprise anymore. :p

I miss home.

I miss you the most B! :(

2011-03-07T22:05:00.002+08:00

Very long never blog liao hor.

Don't like this year so far. Feels too different. Like since the beginning I've been trying to cope trying to cope and there's not a time where I feel like I am comfortably resting in the past.

Ohwell that's not a bad thing.

Watched I am Number 4. Scary show, but nice. I think there will be sequels.

Watched NYCB, not bad... very good technique but not the perfect skinny skinny body types. I kind of nodded off in Balanchine's Symphony in 3 movements though. :p Very boring la.

Jerome Robbin's Dances at a Gathering and West Side Story Suite was better but really super long.

Starbucks's Italian Cheese Stick is awesome. :p

After that while waiting for the ferry ride back to Wanchai, ruimin and I were like damn high on dunno what say whatever also laugh one. Wow haven't felt so giggly in a long time. :) Was really nice. :D

What did we do on Saturday?

Oh wait Sunday morning we had dim sum with sam gor and it was really filling. Love going out with zixin and tingyu with ruimin. :)

Oh I know, we watched I am Number 4.

Sian why my msn sot sot one.

Friday performed site, pictures on Facebook. I wasn't very good, everyone saw me screw up but HECK LA it was fun and I'm gonna make sure I keep thinking that way! *sulks*

Hahaha... its okay there's always next time.

Tired.

Fat.

Cannot care less.

:p

Miss home. Have been dreaming of the same people for a few nights now. Kind of freaky....

Sometimes I wish I had a dog. :)

Pictures from our 佤族 performance at Tsim Sha Tsui

2011-03-03T21:18:00.001+08:00

And one last photo:

We all look very unglam but sigh I have no idea what ethnic group I'm portraying.... -__-'''

2011-03-01T23:23:00.002+08:00

Videos we keep watching in Choreological Studies class:

Falling Angels - Jiri Kylian, Nederlands Dans Theatre (1989)

Petite Mort - Jiri Kylian, Nederlands Dans Theatre (1996) Part 1

Warning: Contains explicit language but I doubt you can make out the accent anyway. -_-

The Cost of Living - DV8

Enter Achilles - DV8

Amelia - Lalala Human Steps (2002)

One Flat Thing, reproduced - William Forsythe, The Forsythe Company (2000)
Yay! I went to look up the dance and all I can say is wow... this goes so far beyond the studio and beyond the technique classes and everything I've learnt so far. :D Go check it out: http://synchronousobjects.osu.edu/content.html

Have never watched this before but heard of it before, I think its really cool, though a bit over the top to have the whole piece done this way. Turn down your volume if its blasting cos I cannot tahan this music its so irritating. -_- hahaha...

Mortal Engine - Chunky Moves

2011-02-23T00:03:00.002+08:00

I think I am tearing myself apart from the inside out.

Thank God for the 3 宝贝s I have with me, to do the project and to just eat and talk...

If not for them I really would have a really horrible Sem 2.

Sometimes I really wonder how I tahan-ed sem 1.

And you know what's the best thing?

Not a single person can understand how much I'm suffering, because only I think what's happening around me is crappy.

Fact is, life isn't that bad, its just me not being able to get over my own laziness and close-mindedness. To the point that I feel like I really, really need to run away.

Its so strong you know the feeling... I want to run away every waking second. But there is nowhere to run to (that will solve my problem) and I have to be there.

I know its really irritating for the people around me to see me like this all the time, but I don't know how to get out of this either.

Sometimes I walk along the hallways thinking 'omg I hate this so much why am I walking to class why?!?!?!'.

And then I feel like I'm so dead why do I hate class I used to love it.

Its okay I won't expect anyone to understand such absurdity.

Just let April come soon, or let me be so busy I don't even have the time to worry about all the things I am busying about.

And you know, I'm tired of being who I am, regarding that. Ah whatever I am being vague again but sometimes I wish for once you could have a bigger presence in my life and I don't need to worry about bothering you because I'm only part of your courtesy.

Okay that may not be grammatically correct but I'm just tired of worry la dammit. Tired of freaking out tired of freaking you out tired of everything tired of being tired.

I just wanna be happy.

I always say that there will be a point I will skip class and go somewhere and do something to just make myself feel better.
But nonsense. I will never do that because you miss that day's lessons and you still have to come back in the end to catch up and then you feel shittier.

Its like throwing a tantrum and pushing all the things on your table onto the floor and then having to pick them all up again when you calm down.

I don't know what I need. A new teacher, a new syllabus, a new school.

I need to grow up and suck it in that's what I need.

Argh sick of complaining alreadyyyyyyyy!

I don't wanna be the kind of person who puts a smile on her face so the world won't know my pain and all that kind of emoshit I'm not good at that so f it I'm just gonna shut up and wait for the blackface to go away.

I have become so weird. I don't even know who's that in the mirror anymore. I don't know how I dance, I don't know how I am as a person, I just don't know anything anymore.

Or maybe I am just confused as usual. I sound pretty screwed up huh.

T_T

2011-02-21T21:12:00.002+08:00

We are 15 minutes late for meeting Ting Yu.

In the com lab doing homework, its pretty rushed and we're not that satisfied with it. Perhaps it will show in our grade too.

Almost skipped school/classes today cos I was feeling severely frustrated from stressing out about the homework, stressing out about the performances and just plain not feeling like going for class.

Some more every other class kena scolded, not me la everybody got scolded together and I got really mad on more than one occasion and I think I said this before but I'll say it again technique class trains my patience the most.

Its not just today that was shitty, its been awhile now, I just don't know how I'll handle it when the exams start coming, and instead of homework I actually will have to memorise stuff and movements and everything and omg please kill me now.

Haven't had any rest this weekend, even though I feel really happy to be around Ruimin Zixin and Tingyu, but I'm really really tired. Tired of dancing chinese dance, tired of studying, tired of being scolded, tired of trying to keep my spirits up when actually, I feel angry most of the time.

I really wish I had the Woodlanders around to make me laugh, or complain to, or just y'know, be anywhere but in school.

I don't know why I force myself to go to all the classes too sometimes. Fulfil attendance? Look like a good student? I never wanted to become like this you know, like go for dance for the sake of going for dance.

I dunno why I become like this. I don't know why it bothers me so much either.

I really hope Deg 1 ends soon.

Someone save me.......

2011-02-19T23:09:00.002+08:00

I've found my happiness... in Breathe. :)

The music is stuck in my head, and when I listen to the song I feel like dancing along no matter where I am, on the streets or at home.

I haven't felt like this about a dance in a long time. :) Not when I'm alone and there's no one to joke around with, I haven't felt so excited about a piece.

Perhaps it is just the feeling of coming into contact with something 'new', but I'm glad its let me have a taste of the passion that I haven't felt for a long time.

This is when there is no expectations from myself, and when I throw away all expectations from others, since I am totally unexperienced.

I wish I could feel this way about all my pieces, but still I'm thankful that I have this thing to make me smile.

Covered in bruises from different stuff, Ming's piece, situps on the floor, sword, etc. but I feel proud when I see a bruise (unless its cos I bang myself on the floor, which I do alot of now since the floor is not my friend anymore D:) cos I got it from dancing muahahaha....

But enough laughing over stupid stuff. I have homework to be done today. Tonight.

It is 11:48pm.

Different perspectives...

2011-02-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

but they're all me.

Wait It Out - Imogen Heap

Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Leona Lewis

Mighty to Save - Hillsong

Sometimes all you need is the right song to keep you going... :)

2011-02-18T06:43:00.002+08:00

Been having bouts of cold weather recently... more like since I've been back the whole week's been particularly cold.

But you know I like it. :) It wakes me up sometimes.

This week kind of tiring and depressing, cos my dong bei yang ge and contemp cannot make it.

I remember thinking during folk class that I will never do a dong bei item if we need to do solo cos I don't fit that style.

You know all that talk about being a versatile dancer... I'm not one.

I don't know how to move my body outside of chinese dance anymore, and I've forgotten all the contemp steps, so basically I'm an empty shell... a robot.

Give me steps to learn yea I can learn it but its not mine. I don't know how to breakthrough.

I know its not something you can get from trying HARD, so I'm trying to cut myself ~~a bit~~ okay alot of slack and get back the connection between my brain and my body, because right now its just my brain doing the work.

And my brain isn't exactly very efficient.

Kind of disappointing, cos I know I wasn't like this in the past...

Lost the feeling of enjoying class a bit too... now its just a responsibility and standards to meet.

They said I should find back the feeling of enjoying dance first... but I don't know why I can't seem to do it.

I'm hoping this is temporary, cos I have lots of homework and presentations and performances to rehearse for, and dragging this me around is not exactly fun.

I hope I will wake up one day and the world would've shifted a little, and I would've changed my mindset, and everything will be okay.

Good luck.

2011-02-17T01:13:00.002+08:00

I look back at some of my favourite memories with a frown when I see photos of those moments.

And then I can't see anymore.

Hello everybody, its only the third day of school.

We have 2 presentations to prepare for by next week, one shenyun writeup to do and a whole new dance genre to learn by next week too. Oh and not to mention a performance next saturday and on the thursday of the week after that.

I'm not aching that badly, I've had worse. But my muscles are tired, and even though I tell myself in class each day that this will train me, I can tell there is only so much longer I can take all this in.

I'm too tired tonight to think.

Today was just a normal day. I hate to think of when I start rehearsing for macau.

I think I might die... unhappy.

Let's see...

Right now I don't know what I want and what I need. Okay I know I need sleep and I want someone to take care of me. Maybe its cos I'm too tired and cranky tonight.

I pray to God tomorrow I will wake up as fresh as a daisy and be freaking happy for once.

So many things happening... why am I not looking forward to them? Maybe a good night's rest will change everything. Maybe.

I miss home. I miss feeling like I'm happy to go out. I miss the people I hung out with. I miss loving dance.

2011-02-13T18:27:00.002+08:00

There is nothing to do.

Too many memories of the past two weeks flooding my mind.

I swear the next time I won't go back so early.

This has been a horrible weekend, the only awesome things being sleeping for 12 hours and talking to Zu on MSN after a lifetime of not.

How do I make tomorrow come faster?

How do I make 4 months pass like lightning?

There is more to life than dance.

I just want to be with you guys again.

Being a kid but whatever, I miss home.

I miss Woodlanders.

I miss 26 Paya Lebar Walk.

I miss everything so much.

There's a hole in my heart, and tears don't fill it up right.

2011-02-12T21:22:00.002+08:00

Some people know for how long I've been talking about getting a pair of high cut sneakers, but its difficult to find one design that I really love...

One pair that I have always been looking for is the Alife Puma First Round sneakers, but there are only 500 pairs in the world so... -_-'''
(http://www.kicksaholic.com/alife-puma-first-round/)

I found some others that look nice...

Women's First Round sneakers with rainbow by Puma
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/puma-shoes/women-first-round-sneaker-with-rainbow)
The stars on the side are sort of rainbow coloured... I think I prefer the darker one because I don't really like the shade of blue on the white one.

Nike Women's Dunk High for Valentines' Day 2011
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-women%E2%80%99s-dunk-high-for-2011-valentine%E2%80%99s-day)
I love the cartoons hahaha but I would prefer something with colour. :p

Classic Puma First Round Scroll 80 for Women
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/puma-shoes/classic-puma-first-round-scroll-80-for-women)
I like this! Its simpler, but nice all the same :)

Nike Shoes Dunk high GS in Valentine Theme
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-shoes-dunk-high-gs-in-valentine-theme)
Like the details. :) Very sweet...

Nike Dunk High “Dazzler” sneaker
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/nike-shoes/nike-dunk-high-dazzler-not-just-a-mutant)
Silver shiny shoes hahaha...

Reebok Seven Deadly Sins Pack
(http://www.sneakerobsession.com/7013/reebok-pump-omni-lite-seven-sins-pack/)
Haha this is cool! I would get pride cos its purple but I think i'd be cool if I can find 6 other people to get the 6 other shoes and sins hahaha...
The blue one is sloth which is totally me also hahaha and the yellow one is greed. The other colours are in the link.

Reebok Easter Courtee Sneakers
(http://www.aboutsneakers.com/reebok-shoes/womens-reebok-courtee-sneakers-on-easter-colorways)
Another sweeter shoe.

Okay that's enough for today. I think its difficult to get shoes, especially for me. I'm usually indecisive but when it comes to shoes I'm totally unsure. Like even though the photos are all nice, but in real life it looks different and then they look different on you too, so I'm kind of scared to order online and I haven't really seen any really nice ones in Hong Kong or Singapore yet.

Maybe I just haven't been out enough. :p

Peisi has this album full of nice sneakers on her facebook. :D I like some of them too....

Hahaha maybe for my 21st birthday I'll finally get myself a pair. Good then I still have 8 months to decide hahahaha...

Watching Enchanted on tv now. So amazed at the actress who acts as Giselle. She's really good! Like the Tinkerbell yesterday. :D She makes me believe I can be like her. Which is so dangerous hahaha....

Be sane Elibird.

Another Saturday night in Hong Kong. Same as always, same as always...

Today:
Psychoed into buying HKD190 beauty products -_-'''
No Saturday huaykuan class :(
Not being able to meet friends for dinner :(
Nothing nice happening on V Day :(

Enchanted <3
Giselle <3
Flowers&Ribbons in her hair <3
Narcissistic Himbotic Princes <3
laughing at America's Funniest Videos <3
Qi Fan <3
Getting enough sleep <3

:)

2011-02-10T11:15:00.002+08:00

Aching. Haven't felt my quads ache so vividly in some time. :)

The past few days have been nothing short of awesome, even though I might've looked more than a bit dead cos of my lack of sleep.

Started off right with huay kuan class last saturday, remembered smiling like an idiot while doing all the old old old saturday class.

Sunday went to visit Ding hong laoshi and took her class. Got suanned for being out of shape even though its only been 2 days without class, but in my defence its been almost a year that I haven't touched frappes. :p whatever frappes have never been my strong point hahaha...

Forgot what I did on Monday and Tuesday, probably danced a bit for our hat dance.

Even though our hat dance is kind of retarded, I really like dancing with yongxin and ruimin. :)

Wednesday was chu xi, had dinner with my extended family....

Chu yi went grandma's house then went Zuyou's house which is bigger than my grandma's house hahaha... Ate alot the whole day then went to watch movie with Yingjie Ruiling Zuyou. Yingjie had a car! Its always <3 to hangout with these woodlanders. :)

Chu er went to bai nian. I finished my book and started and finished another book.

Saturday was pig day, slept alot and at night my sis had a bbq for her friends. Watched the Kpop festival on tv.

Sunday went to rehearse for the show on monday then slept over at ruimin's place and almost finished all her love letters. :p

Woke up at 530 on Monday to go perform at Macpherson Sec. Then went home to bathe and settle down, then went out shopping and doing hw and take neoprints with ruimin, met Zuyou at night to go to River Hongbao. Got some nice items but mostly kinda boring, especially the singing. :p

Then went to walk with Zuyou Aaron and Ruimin, weird grouping but its okay, went to MBS and I loved the uncompleted dunno what theatre/museum thing then we ate at xin wang. :)

Tuesday performed at Greenview Sec, small school, with a smaller group of performers but it was nice. :)

Good luck Shihui and Yongxin!!! All the best for Beijing! :)

Then went to collect cake and went home to prepare for the steamboat. The woodlanders came, Ruiling Yingjie Aaron Zuyou and Ruimin slept for awhile in my house. I got a comfy mattress :p Ate ALOT, talked alot also, gave Yingjie his present and cake. :D

Wednesday went to Lasalle to take Albert's and Yaling's class, almost died omg my contemp sucks like shit and Li Ruimin is catching up fine and Ng Zu You is being the star he always is but never mind it was fun. :) And really tiring.

Went to eat then went to bathe then went out to the arcade where we played really retarded games. -_- Hahaha and we couldn't decide what to do wth kept looking to me to make the decision next time I go out myself ugh. :p

But then how can I complain right, going out with 2 of my favourite people. We went to Ah Chews and talked talked talked. :) Then went to City Hall to meet Alisa and Menghooi for YUMMY DINNER (omg I think I never say verbally but then my Lu Rou Fan was AWESOMEEEEEEE :D) and hahaha lots of gossip hur.

Went to watch As if Nothing or something and the climax was meeting with all the other people in the dance industry. The show was kind of boring, didn't really like the choreo. Wasted sia. :p Then went to drink milo with Samantha Andrea Menghooi and Zuyou and then ohhh I start to sad already cos I'm leaving~~~ on a jet plane....

Hahaha but okay la I slept and then woke up and now I feel a bit better like 'okay Elibird get your game on time to pis again' and just ignore the following sigh. :p

I don't know why I miss you guys so much when I have ruimin in hong kong but i guess its because the times that I miss the most are when ruimin went to hong kong liao and you guys made my life even better.

Ohwell. I must learn to be strong, and grow up and stop letting myself go to pieces just because I feel sad or bored or tired.

:(

Okay la ending off holidays is always not a happy thing so yea.

The next time I come back, I'll be fitter, have a better temper, hopefully have improved in my dancing a bit more, and I'll have a more open mind and heart. :)

Can't wait for June holidays. :)

I really hope I can stop thinking about those things too. I don't want to become someone I don't want to become. :p I just want to enjoy my own thing. I just hope I can still enjoy it.

T_T

I hope I 學會享受舞蹈享受失敗享受表演享受寂寞享受學習...

想找回真正的陳美錡.

2011-02-04T22:05:00.002+08:00

Hey people its chu er. Random day! :D

So here's something really random:

-_-'''

And I can't tell who's who here. Like I can only say blonde1 blonde2 ponytail centreparting hahaha...

But I'm really impressed with the kind of presence they have on the (super coooool) stage, like they sing and (sort of)dance and they can 'dian' the camera and the audience and be neat and change positions while doing it. I think singers are amazing. O_O
Hahaha okay la find nicer ones...

HAHA I laughed at the lyrics sorry. But I think I would look SO STUPID doing what they're doing but they look cool. HAHAHA fail dancer. Anyway the video quality sucks la you can watch here if you wanna see them do it live on (yet another awesomely cool) stage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0lGvurxQag

And I think JYP is so crazily awesome. He's acting in Dream High as the teacher who helps the underdog group choreo dances and compose music and stuff and his steps ARE SO RIDICULOUS!!!! Like he purposely try and be funny kind, but when they do it its nice leh omg. Mindblown.

Neh.

Okay la he's a good dancer! I jus dunno why I can't take him seriously XDD In the show they always say its his face la... XDDD so bad I know right but gotta admit he's really successful now. :D

Some groups that have members acting in the show (2PM got 2 guys in the drama I think):

Miss A - Breathe
And I like their Bad Girl Good Girl too :)
The girl with the longest hair is the lead character in Dream High. :D She's only 17 this year. T_T

T-ara - I Go Crazy Because of You
The lead singer is super cool. She's the one with the short black hair without the cap and she's so goood!!! She's the sort of antagonist in the show. I think she looks so good in short hair. :D

BoA - Hurricane Venus
Err...randomly put this up cos I think the title and her makeup is cool. Hahaha and of coure the dancing isn't bad too la.

Abrupt end here.

Oh wait. CNY is a fattening holiday. T_T

2011-01-31T18:18:00.004+08:00

Beautiful song. :)

There was once I was like this... though it was difficult, at least I had a working heart.

I think I'm so used to my brain telling my heart to shut the f up that that's precisely what its doing now.
Whether its pushing myself beyond my limits in the classroom or making myself do things I don't want to do to become a responsible person who lives up to her commitments, its always 'shut up elizabeth. stop being so selfish. what you want doesn't matter as much as what others want.'

Right now I feel nothing. Like a bottomless empty shell that can never be filled up.
How do I start feeling again?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, if things had gone differently, had changed in a different direction, would I be a better person than this?
After all it was the first time I felt like I could sacrifice so much.

如果我開始談戀愛，我可能會完全變一個人。
還蠻想試試看的，就隨隨便便談一談，讓我找一下不同的我。
...
傻豬.

I wish I could enjoy life. I wish there weren't boundaries like time, or commitments, or money, or expectations etc.
But who am I kidding... those things are what makes life life, what makes humans human.

The only thing to do is to suck it up and listen to nice music read nice books and drink nice coffee/tea.

All it takes is a moment of optimism to blow away a week of emoness.
But then again, nothing is permanent. :p

Damn these whacked out hormonal changes. I don't even recognise myself today.

2011-01-31T13:16:00.002+08:00

In related news, I love that it's raining and suddenly everyone's claiming that the weather's reflective of their inner landscapes + tweeting in cryptic verse + longing for the sun (perhaps also forgetting the discomfort of sweaty flannel and the heat-trapping ability of black leggings) + listening to sad bastard music. It's a very complex relationship that Singaporeans have with the weather.

I think Samuel should be a columnist, but even that would be a waste of his talent. :p

2011-01-30T03:32:00.003+08:00

It felt really great today, being in TPY central and going for 3 classes at huaykuan and the dinner+movie after. There were moments where I couldn't keep a smile off my face, simply cos it feels so great. :)

There were moments where I felt 'how awesome it would be if time stopped now'. And that's always a great feeling. :)

But.

Somehow, the balance of my world has shifted a little.

Things have changed a bit.

And I have changed.

There are some things I'm afraid to do now, and there are some things that I feel aren't that big of a deal anymore.

To be honest I didn't feel like this time coming home was such a big deal to me. I expected it to bring me the kind of relief a holiday does, because I really need something to bring me back up again....

But that's a huge expectation to put on a two week break, especially when I don't know what kind of a rest I'm looking for.

Still... the feeling of home... you don't need to think, or analyze, or expect it... it just comes and blows you away. :)

And I'm glad learning how to appreciate coming home is something that I've gained from going to hong kong.

I've learned to expect a lot less, even if my heart is greedy for much more, my brain will consistently remind me that I should not think too much and just for once, really relax.

I really enjoyed going out with them tonight, even though it was spontaneous and really last minute, but I guess at this point in my life I really need some spontaneity.

Thank you, because even though you didn't mean it, I felt like for once in a really really long time, I was myself again.

Contradictory I know, cos I said I changed, but sometimes I really lose myself in dance and in the other stuff in hong kong, which is not a good thing.

It would be nice if I could have a weekend with them every two weeks or something. Especially since our timetables only collide once in a few months till my long holiday, I really always feel like we spend not enough time together...

Haha this is gonna sound stupid and vague, but I think its clear to me how much I would really appreciate it if we were friends forever, and if I always had someone like you to help me find my positivity back.

I'm going to sleep happy tonight. :)

2011-01-25T22:20:00.006+08:00

Been pretty low lately. Not the emoshit kinda low but the sien sien cannot bring my spirits up kinda low.

Feeling like all I wanna do is eat and sleep and I really really really don't wanna take class sometimes, not cos of anything but cos I'm so freaking bored all the time and the time is passing like a snail and I have no idea what's wrong with me.

I'm not even looking forward to going home as much as I should and that sucks majorly, especially since I'm not the one who has to deal with moving house within a week etc.

Have not been keeping in contact with friends properly and with this mood it feels like no one wants to talk/remember/think of me cos you know low moods just get you thinking like that.

But no really, I don't know what I want when I'm feeling like this except for this stupid feeling to go away.

I yawned more then 10 times walking home today. I dunno why the heck I'm so damn sleepy when I slept almost 10 hours yesterday.

Hate this.

Been thinking of the people back home and... I dunno.

Watched Choreographic Showing 1 today, and there were tons of awesome dancers to watch, many of them my peers.

I really hope that one day, I will be able to be like them, and unlock every single part of my body so that I can fully utilize it. I want to feel that sensation of letting go every time I dance.

I can feel it you know, I can feel myself marking and keeping it in and stopping myself or not holding myself at all when I don't want to.

I don't think you know what I'm talking about but I guess that after so long, I'm really not happy with the way I dance.

I like shen yun, and contemp, because they don't just teach me vocabulary, they teach me how to transit within my body and help me to become aware of how I feel instead of just how I look.

I like pei laoshi cos she uses analogies that really help us picture the details that we're supposed to input in our muscles.

This is what I came here to learn, what I came here to do.

I hope one day that I can break out of this Elibird frame and move without boundaries. :p

I hope I am PMSing because that would mean this is a temporary state. But then again you don't need to know that.

I am thankful for the result that I got today. I must remember who I am and what I must and must not do.

TAKE RISKS ELIZABETH!!!!!
you f***ing coward.

2011-01-23T17:28:00.002+08:00

I love Lamma. Love coming home. :)

5 more days.

Met Singaporeans today and thursday.

I love Singapore. :)

There is more to life than dancing.

When I got off the ferry today I felt like no matter wherever I looked there was a painting waiting to be painted haha...

Its okay if you don't get me. I am hardly understood anyway, as I hardly ever understand other people.

I am a lazy pig. And I love it.

There is a superstar-in-the-making singing Karaoke in the living room. Her voice is so beautiful.

I have forgotten which episode I stopped watching my dramas at.

I forget very frequently.

Oh ya. Homework. :(

Been crashing at Ruimin's place. Sorry.

Hello Aaron do you ever visit here hello ello llo lo o~

Hello Zu You you ou ou u u u~

Hello Ruiling I can't wait to see you. :D

Bought new shoes bought a new bracelet yay.

I am not sien.

I love the sunshine and the wind.

Feel like disappearing for a day.

No actually I just wanna be lvoed.

I have no right, I have no right to be unhappy, and I'm not.

I just am emptyyyyyyyy.

If only I could shatter into a million pieces. That kind of a feeling would probably be extreme.

Extremely painful, or extremely awesome.

Hello me me ee ee e~

Haha ignore me.

Sing on, pretty lady...

Places I wanna go (SG version)

2011-01-20T10:49:00.003+08:00

NEXXX
Marina Bay Sands
Esplanade
Orchard
Bugis
ECP
TPY
PLW

2011-01-18T22:16:00.002+08:00

To date, this 20 years 3 months and 22 day old Elibird feels like:

-vegetables have become tolerable, especially when bread is involved.

-tuna and salmon is okay, shellfish is not.

-full moons and sunrises are magic. (you don't get any bling-er than that)

-a bird trapped in a cage every morning when I stretch at the bridge at school and look up into the sky. (how ironic it is when I see birds flying freely beyond those crisscrossing blue barricades)

-a loved one is drifting away. on purpose. (cue paranoia)

-the Scale is being wonderfully pleasant at present. but then she is known for her unpredictable mood swings.

-not dancing. uh oh.

-doo wops and hooligans makes me smiiiillle and (attempt to)snap my fingers.

-long hair is beeeeyooootiful, but the thinness is disappointing and the fringe is a lost cause.

-January is an expensive month.

-morning winds are friendlier than evening winds.

-I am not making full use of this wonderful weather.

-DISNEYLAND IS A MUST GO (ASAP after 21/1)

-there is not one contemp drop of blood in my body.

-somehow I must've unknowingly offended people. Guilt is optional.

-eating breakfast.

-WE CAN DO THIS! The SMT group. or maybe SSMT. SMTS. STMS no that doesn't look nice. MTSS. TMSS. TSMS. MSTS. WHAT IS THIS PROBABILITY SHUDDUP.

-computers are such lifesavers. and humans are geniuses. and we know it.

-tomorrow will be an old day. I will then be 20 years 3 months and 23 days old.

-the day that I turn 20 years 4 months and 3 days old will be a good day. it will be the day I stop staring at airplanes flying past in the sky and be in one myself. :D

-the future does not require much thought. it will handle itself.

2011-01-17T20:53:00.002+08:00

OMG I wanna go disneyland!!!! They're featuring Tinkerbell even the Sleeping Beauty castle become Tinkerbell castle omg I wanna go I wanna goooooo!!!!! T_T

Haha I haven't been blogging.

I haven't been watching TV.

Or my drama.

I have no idea what I did for the whole weekend. It just flew by and I watched The Tourist and Dance Teens and Studiodanz concert and some were nice like Tourist some were okay like Dance Teens and ya.

Hahaha maybe you got it maybe you don't.

Anyway been doing some of my own mindscrewing, not that I'm willing to play with my own mind but sometimes I dunno, age catches up and you find yourself thinking about things not worth thinking about, and I'm sure everyone has their own teenage-adult crisis (there is no plural for crisis is there?).

I think you know I know we all know competition sucks. And whereas some people are okay with it and some people love it, I fall under the complicated category of having to love it but in reality I hate it to the core.

And I thought that was all. But I started thinking...

Competition actually just means you love being the best and it is important to be the best. You're proud of knowing more, being able to do more, being needed more etc.

And I was thinking like okay, as a dancer, what should I be proud of? That I can ban 180 hou tui? That I can turn triples? That I have relatively high extensions? Other than the fact than my 'feats' can be easily topped, what else is there? I'm proud of my huge arch. I'm proud cos I'm the turning prince. I'm proud that I'm a highly wanted dancer.

Of course, these are things we should be proud of, because some of them come after tons of hard work.

But then what is a dancer? A robot with all the above facilities and abilities? Are we trained to be robots or creators? Why is it one class encourages deviance while another enforces discipline?

Does dance help other people? How? How does telling your story help others? In a theatre that sits a 1000 people, how many will your dance or your dancing help?

How come that I, as a dancer, must have a different personality from the human being that I am? Is it that a soft-spoken person cannot be a chinese dancer? Why do I have to act when I dance? Why can't I be myself onstage?

I'm not criticizing any system or person here, these are just questions for the sake of knowing.

But I feel that I am slowly becoming manipulated by the thing that I love, becoming obsessively calculative of everything. I go to school to train my technique, performance and creativity, and it comes with a hefty price tag. Is it worth it? Will I use it? Am I taking the degree with a purely kiasu mindset (i.e. everyone needs a degree)?

And sometimes I really ah... get a bit down cos of all the negativity around me. All the complaining and the gossiping, that is coming out of my own mouth too! Judging everything and thinking our opinions mean anything...

Am I really doing the right thing? Will I grow to hate dance and everything in it? Why is there nothing that is absolutely beautiful? No matter how wonderful dance is on the outside, the core is an ugly mess of jealousy and greed for attention. If it is attention for a meaningful cause how can it compare to a dancer who craves an audiences' applause?

I just don't want dance to become something I dislike. Are my principles as a human and Christian less important than being the best dancer and performer that I can be? Or is it that even thinking about this is selfish and too close minded?

Am I just complaining, again? Am I just trying to find an easy way out of life?

But then again, I'm scared of the stage, I'm scared of being overconfident of my own abilities and I hate the way I look. Dancers are supposed to be exhibitionists, confident and narcissistic. How me?

Its okay if I just don't think so much and go on living my days just simply enjoying the mere sensation of moving... but everytime I'm rehearsing a dance and I feel uncomfortable, or just once in a random while, these questions will come back to haunt me.

Hong Kong should really pass a law that forbids drivers for pressing the car horn for longer than 2 seconds. They freaking abuse it to no end omg.

Today a teacher that we all respect lost a loved one. And she's in Hong Kong while her family is back in her hometown. We all felt really sad for her. I still do.

I can't imagine if I lost someone while I were here. How painful it would be.

Everyone in Singapore take care of yourself please. Don't even get hurt or else!!!

Or else I'll be really sad.

I really miss my friends back home. I haven't been awesome in keeping touch but I think about you guys all the time. Coming overseas alone has really changed me so much.

Its turned my world and my mind upside down and all around, and until now I still don't know which way is the right side up.

And as much as I wish someone had the answers to all these questions, or I would really put all of them away forever and not think so much, I believe that this is part of my journey, and by learning the answers, one by one, I'll grow a bit by a bit too. :)

And even though I love to harp on the fact that I'm alone, I know I'm not, for even if Ruimin and I are on different tracks running at different speeds, I'll still always have God. And that has been and will be such a great comfort to me. :)

It is all by His strength, not mine.

As long as I remember that, I won't panic and worry about things beyond my control. :)